Saturday, November 28, 2015
I ended up with a cold this past week. Strangely, the depression has lifted. I'll have to pay more attention next time I feel depressed to see if it is linked to a cold or some other infection.
This photo is where I walk down by the river most weekends. It's covered with snow now, although the snow is rapidly melting today. I love the trees, the water and most of all the dogs. It's an off leash area and happy dogs are everywhere.
I'm finding work more difficult lately. Two of the big guy's friends have wives who are dying of cancer. My patients are dying. At times it seems I am surrounded by death. I struggle to remember we are all dying. That the trick is to live up until it's time to leave. I know too much. I watch a young woman with two young daughters get on the CT scanner and when she's done I see the tumors that cloud her lungs and wonder how she isn't short of breath. Or the elderly woman yesterday who was in so much pain and then the radiologist and I looked at her x-ray and saw the tumor pushing out of her bone, pressing on nerves. Or the man my age who has lung cancer and I saw his MRI scan and his brain is filled with small tumors.
I don't know what to do with all this knowledge. Don't know how to lay it down and leave it so that I can go on and do my work and live my life. Nature helps the most I find. To watch the trees letting go of their leaves. The geese flying south. The moon rising. To remember that life is life and death, night and day, spring and fall. The important part is to remember to love while we are here. That's what I can give my patients I guess. Agape.