Friday, December 26, 2014


One of the big guy's images.  Pyramid Lake, Jasper.

We're heading there Sunday, except the lake will be frozen and covered in snow.  Today I am still in my pyjamas which feels rather decadent.  I ate cookies and bacon for breakfast and homemade spring rolls for lunch.  I had a good, rather long cry because my family was not together for Christmas and because my youngest daughter is still handicapped and doesn't understand that it's Christmas, or care for that matter.  And the big guy held me while I cried. 

I am one of those people for whom reality seldom meets my expectations.  I even have a little stone block on my bookshelf which says, "Happiness is wanting what you have.", and still I resist.

Right now the sunshine is streaming through the windows.  There is a hockey game on the TV and the big guy is gently snoring on the couch.  The cat is sitting beside the humidifier, staring intently at it, waiting for it to gurgle.  I get to spend everyday with the man I love.  I am blessed and still I feel unsatisfied.  It is getting better, but ever so slowly.  I try and fail.  Try again.  The mountains help.  When we're in the mountains I slow down and accept what is. 


  1. I think it is human nature to want more. Yes, there is a limit but I think of what my life would be like if I had not wanted more. I would still be working crappy jobs and living in a tiny condo. Maybe I would still be with my ex-husband. I think the only slip up can come from wanting more things. Things will always disappoint.

  2. You might not realize, and it might not even matter to you, but reading your posts over these many years, I am helped. You shore me up with your honesty, your raw grief and your simple joy. Thank you. And your photos (and the Big Guy's) are astounding!

  3. I find that life as I expect and life as it actually is so rarely overlap that it's almost comical. But sometimes it's hard to laugh about it. I try to stay focused on what I'm grateful for, but still there are times when you just have to grieve what isn't.

  4. i agree with elizabeth. your honesty is so refreshing and so easy to agree with.

    something clicked with me this year. i get it most of the time: it is what it is and it is what i make of it. the battle with myself has ended. heck, it may flare up again but finally i know i am just okay, come what may. much of the time when i read your posts, i think you are so close just have the last piece of knowing you've arrived.

    happy new year, deb