Friday, September 5, 2014

Things I'm thankful for today.
I got to swim in this lake while on holidays. 
It's Friday.
None of my children were ever diagnosed at age six with a brain tumor.  (That girl broke my heart this week;  her parents and grandma too.)
Got to see patients this week that I hadn't seen in awhile and they're still alive and doing well.
Sold my first photo.
Mostly I'm just thankful that this week is over.  The six year old broke my heart.  We called a code this morning because a patient had an allergic reaction.  I worked with the world's most oblivious, disorganized, just plain mean nurse.  And I'm leaving in two weeks for England to visit my elderly aunt which sounds like a good thing until I realized I've been feeling down because this is the first time I've ever gone to England without my mum and I fucking miss her still.


  1. Deb,

    (I tried e mailing this but it bounced back.)

    You have been on my mind the last couple of days. You had a post about your friend with cancer and then took it down. I can't imagine the raw pain you are dealing with. It is one thing to watch someone die in our jobs, though that in itself costs us. It is quite another thing to watch someone we love die. It isn't just them dying but all that surrounds it. I could write a book but know that you know all too well.

    Anyway, the reason I am writing today is because I am worried about you. You have had so much sadness in your life this last while and I know just your mother's death alone has kicked your feet out from under you. Loving a child with extra needs is exhausting and I living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Add to that just living everyday, getting groceries, going to work, making meals, vacuuming... it never seems to end. With all that in your life, my question is are you OK? I mean I know you are NOT OK but are you OK in the sense that you are safe? Tomorrow is World Suicide Prevention Day. I am wondering if you are OK in that sense? Do you have anyone that you can talk to?

    An odd question, I know. I know I was in "that place" in the beginning of the year and am so grateful that someone asked that question.

    Sending you love. I know it is a little drop in the ocean you are swimming but I want you to know it is there.


  2. Thank you so much Barb. I'm ok. Very, very sad but ok. There has been a lot of sadness and suffering in life lately but that's part of life. I don't feel like killing myself but thank you for worrying about me.

    I realized today that it's me. There will also be loss and suffering in life but it's how I deal with it, or cope with it. I feel too much but I'm unwilling to stifle that part of myself. It's a hard way to life at times but there are rewards. I love hard as well. And I care. I care about my patients, they have become part of my extended family. And my friends, I love them and I tell them this every time I see them now. I saw my friend this morning at work briefly before they whisked her away for sim. I hugged her and told her that I loved her. Hugged her husband too.

    Cancer fucking sucks! And there is no cure. All that advertising, all that fundraising. It's a lie. There is no cure.