Tuesday, September 30, 2014

I'm back at work.  Life goes on.  Holidays are nice because I can forget my real life.  My girlfriend with cancer came in today for an x-ray.  She looks frail and wobbly;  she moves slowly and needs help to stand up.  She is forty-eight years old. 

I had a twenty year old patient today.  She has osteosarcoma that has spread to her brain and lungs.  Her baby was delivered by C-section at 25 weeks this past summer so that she could begin treatment.  She's dying and her baby remains in NICU.

Another patient told me today that her chemo has stopped working.  She sold her condo and is planning on traveling, first class, five star.

It's too much sometimes.  I think that's why I liked the beach so much in England.  It took my mind off life, although not really.  I thought about death as I wandered up and down this beach.  Thought about our souls, our connections to each other, to the Universe. 

Mostly I'm sad because my friend is dying and I don't want to burden her with my sadness. 


  1. I really don't think your sadness will be a burden. I think it would be a comfort. One of the conversations I have with my patients is people ignoring the elephant in the room. Talk to her. Your love will make a difference.

    And yes, it is too much sometimes. Through forces beyond myself I am leaving my night job in palliative care. Quite honestly, I am looking forward doing something different for a while.

  2. We all get sick of our lives all too often. And then that passes. Your persistence facing that sadness and then moving through it, is admirable. I see your joy in the photos that you take, in the comments that you leave for me. You are a beautiful woman in this world.

  3. yes, it's too much sometimes and unfairly so. and then sometimes it's easy living and that is fair. i am so sorry for your friend and for your patients. i have no doubt you help.


  4. I agree with the first poster. The worst thing in the world is being treated with kid gloves because people know that you have burdens and they don't want to make things worse. It's helpful when you are sick sometimes to be able to help someone back.