Sunday, December 22, 2013

It was too cold today to go for a walk down by the river.  Last week was a good walk though.  In the winter I have to hang onto those good walks, remember them, they help me make it through the cold, dark season.  Yesterday was the solstice so the days will be getting longer now, something I need and appreciate. 

We took KT out today.  She was happy when we picked her up, laughing, signing, making lists and requesting songs.  She makes the big guy sing O Canada, my singing doesn't cut it anymore.  He does have a lovely deep voice.  We went bowling but she didn't enjoy it much.  Her nose was running and she started to look so tired.  We bought her some lunch and she wanted to see Santa but when I took her over to where Santa was, she started crying and shaking her head.

As we waited for the big guy to bring the car up to the mall door, Katie laid her head against me and just cried.  I had no idea what's wrong.  I wrapped my arms around her and let her cry.  We got her in the car and her nose was running with green snot.  She kept signing all the way home that she wanted to go for a bus ride.  I told her it was too cold today.  She wasn't happy with the answer but she didn't cry either.

We dropped her off at home with her staff.  I felt so bad leaving her.  Her staff take wonderful care of her but part of me wanted to sit with her on the couch and feed her ice cream, give her a hot bath and put her to bed.  But I know that if I stayed I would be pinched and abused.  The hot bath would turn into a wrestling match with me soaking wet and her crying as she got out of the tub. 

She's not my baby anymore.  Our old ways, old habits, they no longer work, are no longer possible.  I miss them and I don't.  When KT lived at home I was beyond tired, ALL THE TIME.  She abuses me, though that wasn't always the case.  The abuse of me has gotten worse over time.  I know where it comes from, from her anxiety, but it still hurts, still leaves marks, still leaves me shaking.

But I am the kind of person who wants things how I want them to be, not how they are.  A trait I share with my mother, god rest her.  She taught me well. 

Note to self, accept things as they are.   Yeah, I've never been any good at that.  Fortunately the universe gives me many, many, many chances to learn this lesson. 


  1. My heart broke at the image of KT in your arms, weeping. I imagine your self-awareness, however hard-won, to be a good and honest thing -- how amazing that those of us in these situations have this ability to hold such contrary thoughts and go on.

  2. you are a good person, deb. a good Mother and a good person. i wish you a wonderful new year.


  3. KT is beyond blessed to have you for her mother. Seriously, I am in awe of your strength.