Tuesday, September 24, 2013
We ran away to the mountains this past weekend. I like to imagine living here, where this photo was taken. It's an old homestead and it's so peaceful there. Except life is never really peaceful for long.
I work with a woman who is passive-aggressive. She drives me crazy because I am like her in some ways. I cannot change her, I cannot even reason with her. Dealing with her terrifies me, my heart pounds, my palms sweat. She does not like me and anything I do will not make this any worse than it already is, so what's the problem?
The real problem is that I dislike her because of what she represents to me, my own worst nasty bits. The judging, critical, dogmatic, passive-aggressive bits that I would like to pretend don't exist. Except they do and because she makes me look at myself and see these nasty bits within, I dislike her. I feel like a bitch around her and I probably am to her.
But there is another side to this. She is passive-aggressive and by working with her daily I can see how destructive passive-aggressive behavior is. She is a chance for me to change how I behave. She is a constant reminder to do better, to practice speaking up assertively, to tell others what I need and what I want.
Change is so hard. It's scary and I hate scary. I like nice, I prefer nice. Conflict makes me very anxious, it reminds me of growing up, it reminds me of being a little girl and being scared because my dad was yelling and I didn't know why. Which makes me cry.
So I need to be scared and keep going. I'm not a child anymore, I can chose to behave differently. I want to behave differently.