Botanical Beach on Vancouver Island.

I saw my counselor today.  I feel much better and I'm working on speaking my mind, instead of holding it inside and just being pissy, but I am a work in progress.  One of things she said is how much compassion I have for others and I kind of squirmed in my chair a little.

I don't think of myself as an overly compassionate person.  I just assume that most people feel like me.  It's like when we're kids, you just assume that all families are like yours, except I haven't grown out it, maybe.  I have always been told that I'm too angry.  I'm impulsive and have a very short fuse.  I hate to see injustice, it makes me very angry.  I had an alcoholic ex-husband and a severely disabled daughter, so yes I was often overwhelmed and angry.  But even before Miss Katie was born, I was an angry young woman.  

I hated out my dad treated my mum and our whole family.  I saw how angry my dad was and tried on the angry armor and found it to be an effective form of protection.  Except it keeps everyone away.

My best friend broke up with me after being friends for thirty plus years because I was "too angry".  I as a pain in the ass at work because I always put patients first, even if it angered others.  I have strong beliefs about what's right and wrong that not everyone shares apparently.

So I saw myself as an angry woman, not a compassionate woman.  But I was compassionate.  I hate to see suffering and I do try my best to alleviate the suffering of another.  I try to put myself in their shoes to see things from their perspective which can be confusing and confounding at times.  I wonder if part of my anger was my own disappointment in myself because I know that I caused pain to others by my actions. Hmmmm.

And now that I know about autism and ADHD, I better understand both myself, Katie, and my other two children.  I can see how much I struggled, and I can see how much all of my children struggled within our family.  Katie broke me and I stayed broken for a long time.  Katie needed much more care than my other two kids, so they got less.  I tried, my god I tried, to make it not so, but it was.  My other two got the angry, overwhelmed scraps that were leftover after I took care of Katie.  I wish it could have been different but I did the best that I could.

There are a fair bit of mushrooms sprouting up, the fruiting body of fungi, right now.  We had another huge rain this morning.  I woke up to the sound of the rain thundering on the roof and then the thunder.  I checked the basement and no more water than previously.  Thankfully.  I'm very, very slowly plugging away.  Very slowly.  I need to emphasize the slowly because I still find it kind of overwhelming.  The smell is receding though and a lot of water has been removed by the dehumidifier which is very cool.

I'm feeling meh.  Jack has had a good week at camp.  Next week, it's him and me all week which will be interesting.  Last night we went to the playground which just reopened two days ago.  He was on his electric scooter and going far too fast, 19 km/hr.  A little boy moved in front of him on the pathway and Jack ended up bailing and hurting himself.  The scooter is grounded and there was a long talk about speed, reaction time, making mistakes, accidents, other people on the pathways, and personal responsibility.  Jack ended up with a big bruise and abrasion on his leg but the other boy was not hurt thank goodness.

There is no sunshine this morning which probably explains the meh, plus I'm having a terrible time falling asleep.  

I took Katie to her meet and greet with a new doctor yesterday and when we arrived, found out the appointment had been canceled.  They had tried to contact me but left no messages and when I called back, nobody answered the phone.  Sigh.  On the upside, I didn't cry or get upset.  Katie was happy to see me and looks good.  I cut her hair just before we left on holidays and it's grown out a little and looks lovely.  It's short again and slightly curly.

There are many things I want to write about, Medusa, women's rage, books (The Road to Tender Hearts and Revenge of The Tipping Point), aging bodies, and other things that of course as soon as I sit down to type, disappear out of my head (that might be one of the things).  But for now I need to go back downstairs and do a little work before I head out to the pottery studio this afternoon.  

Port Renfrew.

I'm feeling overwhelmed and I don't know why.  The basement will need some work and it smells funny down there.  There is a dehumidifier going now to pull the moisture out but everything needs to be moved out of that utility room, the drywall needs to be removed, and then new drywall put up.  It feels like a lot right now but I don't know why.  I've dealt with floods before.  It's not that big of a deal, but it feels like it.  Why?

I wrote that last bit last night when I couldn't sleep.  Something smelt funny in the basement bedroom as well, which is where Jack and I sleep when it's too hot.  This morning I pulled everything out of the closet and found out where the funny smell was coming from.  Water had seeped through from the utility room on the other side of the closet and stuff was growing on the carpet.  I moved the dehumidifier and the fan from the utility room into the bedroom and pulled up some of the carpet.

The flooding isn't terrible and it's confined to a relatively small space in the basement.  It's certainly much less than a lot of people in Sherwood Park are dealing with, but this is my basement and what I have to deal with

I moved what I could on my own but there is much more work to be done.  I did contact our contractor and he's going to come and give us a quote for repairs.  Our insurance does not cover overland flooding, so we're on our own.  

I lay in bed last night, trying to decide where I wanted to put my energy over the summer, Jack, garden, pottery, house, etc.  This morning I got my answer, house first, but I am going to try to spend time doing each of the things that I enjoy.  Usually I hyperfocus on just one thing because that's how my brain works, but it doesn't make me happy in the long run.  So I'll try to spread out my focus.

There is a new name for ADHD making it's way around the internet,  DAVE. The video explains it very well and it's short, 22 seconds.  It certainly explains how I feel ALL THE TIME.  My brain is the worst at night, going over my day, trying to decide what I want to do tomorrow.  Retirement opened up so much room in my life (in theory), that I sometimes feel like I have too many options.  I know, a terrible problem to have:)

So I'm going to have a little cry, I'm going to do a little pottery and walk the dogs, and then I'll tackle the wet shit in the basement.

 Helmcken Falls.

We made it home yesterday.  I'm still working on cleaning, laundry, and putting everything away.  Apparently we had two flash floods while we were away and there is some water damage in the furnace room from the water entering through the window wells, but nothing terrible, just needs some work.

Jack is at day camp this week which will give me time to catch up.  He had a good trip, despite a rough start.  The second day there he was farting around in the swimming pool, did a flip and cut his head open.  The cut was small enough that I didn't worry about it too much.  I cleaned it up and applied steri-strips to hold the skin edges together.  The steri-strips only lasted the night, he picked them off in his sleep.  I left the wound alone, just kept it clean and checked for signs of infection.  It's in his hair and is healing fine.

Back to real life where there is stuff to do.

Helmcken falls.

Chicory

 

Clearwater.

 Cathedral grove.

Jack running.

 

 The view from our cabin.