We went on a short trip to Jasper this weekend.  Pyramid Lake and Pyramid mountain.

 

 

Also Pyramid Lake.

Medicine Lake.

 Athabasca River.

Some of the devastation from last summer's wildfire

 

  

I really don't think I have a difficult life. Some of us have crippling anxiety, some of us have autoimmune diseases, some of us have the diseases of age, some of us have broken families, some of us have cancer, some of us have lost their partners to disease or suicide or divorce, some of us have to deal with traumatic brain injuries, some of us are living in a war zone, some of us were abused by parents or spouses, some of us deal with discrimination, and some of us deal with addictions.  My point is, we all have difficult things in our lives and those difficult things are unique to our life.  I also think that difficult things is how we grow and learn, not just about ourselves, but about the world and life in general.

I don't write about things for sympathy, although it's nice, I write about things to get them out of my head, because if they stay inside my head, they swirl around and turn into shitty thoughts, which in turn become depressed thoughts.  It's how I deal with things.  I have good days and bad days.  I have good moments and bad moments.  Often times I can so easily forgot the good days and the good moments, and just ruminate, but that's not just me either.  It's part of being a human being.  Our brains are designed to pay attention to the dangerous times, because that's how our ancestors survived for 300,000 years.  The ones that didn't pay attention to the dangerous, scary stuff, died before they could leave behind progeny.  Nervous people survived:)

I've been going through old photos because I found a bunch of them in the basement and it was a good reminder of all the good times in my life, things I'm so thankful for.  Life is never perfect, never without difficulty and never without pain, but it can also be wonderful at times.

1985

1999

1998

1998ish

1998

1999

I've been banned from instagram (for now), no reason, no explanation.  My crime if I were to guess, disagreeing with politicians and people who accept lies as facts.  Because I'm such a people pleaser, I feel down, like I've done something wrong, not something right.  I have been silenced which does not feel good at all.

On the upside, it's Jack's birthday today and National Unicorn Day.  On the way to daycare, we stopped and bought a box of fifty Timbits for Jack's daycare.  He was pretty pumped about that and excited to share with everyone.  This morning hubby and I sang him Happy Birthday while he sat with a big smile on his face.  For his birthday present, we bought him a new bike.  Now he has to learn to ride without training wheels:)

Yesterday went well at court, and unless things change drastically, we won't have to go back.  The case was adjourned sine die which means it could be opened in the future, if things changed, but for now, things stay as they are.  We had a long talk with Gracie and her sister afterwards and that went well also, so a win for everyone which is very good.  We talked about TV, bedtimes, school, ADHD, exercise, expectations, and going forward.  You never know what the future will hold because if someone had told me about this conversation three years ago, I wouldn't have believed them.

I also had an appointment with Katie's psychiatrist.  Katie's behavior has not improved, ten incidents in the last month and I'm out of ideas.  The psychiatrist started her on clonidine and I guess we'll see if that helps.  It hurts my heart to see her hurting herself, and having meltdowns.  Maybe this will help.  I also requested an OT consult to check her sensory processing.  A long time ago, Katie had a weighted vest which helped her at school, it gave her more sensory feedback.  I just ordered her a weighted blanket and maybe that might help too.  Sometimes it feels like I've been looking for solutions for her my whole life.  I just want her to feel good and have some peace.

The sun is shining though and it's supposed to go up to 15C today which is lovely and which means I want to be outside.  The garden is still mushy and muddy, but I'll find something to do out there.  I saw tiny crocuses pushing their way up through the dead leaves in the garden.  Plants amaze me.  They don't worry about the weather, or their children, they just do their thing.  Sometimes I wish I could be a tree.

It started snowing yesterday and it hasn't stopped snowing.  So far we've had 9 inches and it's supposed to snow all day.  The weather forecasters called for 10-20 cm, but I didn't believe them.  I was wrong.  So far I've cancelled lunch with a friend and bookclub has been rebooked to next month.  I took Heidi to the dog park but the snow was so deep, over my boots, that I did less than half of my normal walk, but I got the same amount of exercise.

I worked yesterday, my last shift as a nurse.  I went in for a four hour shift and realized, it was time to stop.  I emailed my manager with my resignation and about five minutes later she came into reception and said, "You're just going to email me!".  And then she hugged me.  It feels weird but it's not part of my life anymore.  My life has changed and I'm good with the changes.  Retirement was hard to get used to, but I like it now.  I'm busy and enjoy it.  I'll miss my patients but I won't miss watching them get sicker as they die.  I'll miss my friends/coworkers, but I am making new friends.  I'll keep up with the young nurses as best I can.  We're going to have a BBQ in the summer, so I'll get to see some of them then.  It's not like it's a huge department, only six full-time nurses, and one of them lives three blocks from me.  Change is hard but change can be good too.

I've planted zinnias in my kitchen under the grow lights (the candystripe variety that Mary Moon had last summer).  Today I'm also going to plant some dianthus, while I ignore the weather outside.  I also have a romaine lettuce growing under the grow lights, in an effort to avoid buying lettuce from the US in the winter.  Spring will come, it always does.

I'm trying so hard to ignore the news but it's hard.  The fuckery continues.  I listened to Riley Black on CBC yesterday, who has written a book about plants and mass extinctions, "When The Earth Was Green: Plants, Animals, and Evolution's Greatest Romance".  I learned a lot about the evolution of plants but what surprised me the most was that she still has hope, because as she pointed out, the earth had already survived five mass extinctions of plants and animals, and will survive another.  Of course, whether we do or not, is up for debate, but the earth will survive.

The European Union has advised people to stockpile supplies, just in case.  Last week we lost power for about 45 minutes, not long, but it was frustrating and made me think about Ukraine.  I ordered a crank/solar powered radio that same day.  It's the most versatile little radio I've ever seen.  It has a USB port and a port to charge your cell phone, an ultrasonic dog whistle, a flashlight, a radio, and can tune into nearby weather stations.  The only thing it can't do is open cans:)

It's hard not knowing what the future will bring.  I never did know what the future would bring, but when I was younger, I thought I knew.  Now I'm older and realize I have no idea what the world will look like in ten years.  How prolific will Fascism be?  How many wars will have started? 

I will still try to be kind and help others.  I will speak up, but I'm not going to be nasty about it.  It's way to easy to be a nasty troll when you're on social media.  I don't want to be that person.  I want to be better.  

I've done something to my clavicle, or to be more exact, my sternoclavicular joint.  I saw the doc this morning and will have it x-rayed, just not today, tomorrow, because there was an hour long wait today and I'm not that patient, especially at lunchtime.

We seem to be coming to the end of our covid here, thankfully.  Now we're just down to the coughing and the fatigue.  Poor Jack has had it the worst though because his milk still tastes funny and he won't drink it.  That boy loves his milk and it's a "fucking crisis" for him.  He didn't say that, another kid did, but it's apt.

I still have dishes from last night to wash up and then dog walks.  It's supposed to rain/snow for the next couple of days so I want to get out and get some fresh air.

I'm still waiting to find out when my condo will be fixed, post flood, so that I can sell it.  Nobody seems in a hurry whatsoever which is frustrating.  It needs some ceiling replaced and some taping, mudding, and painting to the bathroom, bedroom, and living room walls.  More than I can do.

Things I'm thankful for today.

No offence to my American friends, but I am so thankful I don't live in the US.

Roomba.

Peace and quiet.

Dog walks.

Hugs from the big guy, and the little guy.

My washer and dryer.

Time.

Public health care.

Noticing my triggers with Jack, and realizing that's what they are.

A very good night's sleep.

A very comfortable (new) bed.

What are you thankful for today?

The photography course is paying off, it gets me outside and taking photos again.  Of course it helps that spring is here too.  These little chickadees are so tame that they will eat right our of your hand.

All of us are continuing to drag our butts around, nobody really sick anymore, but nobody feeling great either.  I think we had Covid again.  I thought we were just sick but then Jack said everything tasted funny, and now he can't really taste anything.  None of us had much in the the way of fevers, just low grade fevers, but we all were very congested and coughed up a lot of crud from our lungs.  The worst was the fatigue.  It's been a long two weeks but we're on the mend.

Nothing but bad news out of the US, Ukraine, and Gaza.  Putin seems to enjoy moving trump around like a puppet.  I suppose it would be funny if so many lives weren't at stake.  Poor trump believes himself to be such a master negoitator, while Putin just runs circles around him.  Both elon and trump are in way over their heads and really don't seem to understand the seriousness of the situation.  Or maybe they just want more money and don't give a flying fuck about anything else.  They seem to be looting the country, or at least making a divestment.  When it's political, it's usually called a coup, but these morons only want the money it seems.

I try not to think about it, but of course it's everywhere.  

Mostly I feel "meh".

I found/stole a good joke, that is short enough for me to remember and isn't dirty, a work joke as it were.

Charlie and his golden eyes.  He's such a sweet dog, afraid of almost everything but so sweet.  He weighs 65 pounds and he's a afraid of everything:)

It's been a long week already.  I'm still not feeling 100% and I'm coughing up lots of crud, so that's fun.  Jack's been having a hard time too, two major meltdowns in one week, screaming and crying kind of meltdowns.  The last meltdown lasted 45 minutes.  He hasn't been like this for a long time, so I asked his aunt if his mom had been telling him crap.  Turns out she hasn't, which is really good.  She misses him and he misses her, which is really good.  

Jack also said that he wished he was in heaven which felt like a knife to the heart, but it turns out he and his aunt were talking about grandpa in heaven.  She told Jack that it's a magical place where grandpa can do whatever he wants, so the both of us are guessing that's where the wish he could go to heaven is all about and not death.  That was a relief.

She also said that last time Jack visited his mom he hung onto her for five mintues saying goodbye, to me that means he misses her.  So yesterday when I picked him up from daycare, I asked Jack if he would like to spend more time with mama and he said yes.  He's old enough to have input now and he can also tell us if things are going wrong.  We'll start out with one night for six months, and see how things go.

I also told Jack's aunt that I want to know if Gracie is attending AA, if she is sober, and if she is on any medications.  I'm sure Gracie will see this as none of my business, but it is my business because I'm a guardian.  If I was sick, I would let Gracie and her mom know.  If things changed in our household, I would let them know.  Whether we like it or not, we're stuck together as an ersatz family.

Hubby has agreed with the plan going forward, and I feel better about it too.  I have no desire to stop Jack and Gracie being together, but we need to keep Jack safe too.  Jack seems happier knowing he'll see his mom more.  

I went to my pottery class yesterday and glazed most of my creations.  The pot below is my new orchid pot and when it's fired, the glaze will be blue, with another colour around the upper edge which I can't remember.  I found the glazing to be stressful again, even though I knew what to expect.  It feels like blind painting, or maybe colourblind painting.  I knew a bit more this time though, and I tried some different things which stressed me out.  I let it go.  Pottery is organic and mistakes are incorporated into the piece.  Wabi-sabi.  It's good practice for me, the letting go.

 

I made a little candle holder with a bee on it and honeycombs. I'll fill it with beeswax and have a candle.  It looks terrible right now but it's supposed to turn out a golden brown.  Fingers crossed.  As you can see, the glaze looks reddish and when it drips on the floor, it looks like blood (I'm a nurse and one of the other ladies is a nurse/paramedic).  It has iron oxide in the glaze, which is what makes it look like blood, and the iron acts as a flux (which promotes the formation of glass in the glaze).  Glaze also contains silica which makes the clay and the glaze, hard and strong.  Who knew?

As I type, I start to feel better.  I've written two posts in the last couple of days which were sad.  But writing this stuff out, it gives me hope.  

I printed up this prayer for myself, to remind myself that not only am I imperfect, but that I can forgive myself and others, for being imperfect.