We've had a lot of rain this past week and everything is green and growing and blooming.
I'm seeing my counselor every two weeks and I look forward to talking to her, even though I cry. Yesterday was hard though. We talked about my children and my ex-husband. She would ask me questions and I was shocked when I didn't know what had happened. I had no memory of what came after. I always thought I had such a good memory but so many times I had to say, "I don't know".
I kept journals for years, writing down what was happening and I dug them out yesterday when I got home. I tried reading them but it was hard. So much of my life was chaos and I was just really trying to hold on. My counselor made some interesting observations.
-my ex-husband was abusive, that was hard to hear. I didn't think of my marriage like that, and I didn't think of myself as an abused woman because he never hit me.
-my children gave me their worst selves, because I was their safe space. There was also a lot of competition with bad behavior to try and get my attention because Katie took up the bulk of my attention.
-my boundaries are hard places and probably surprising after putting up with shit for years from people, but when the boundary comes crashing down, I'm completely detached. When I've had enough, I'm done.
-much of my married life I parented as a single parent. My husband was a pilot and worked out of town. Towards the end of our marriage he flew to Asia and even on his days off he was not present because of the jet lag. He was also a binge drinker and he drank heavily on his days off, so not present.
-I had very little support and few friends. I didn't talk to my family about everything that was happening because I felt judged. You made your bed, now you have to lie in it. I was embarrassed. I was overwhelmed and worn out. I tried to pretend that I was okay and that my life was okay.
So that was counseling yesterday. Hard.
This morning I'm off to the pottery studio with two of my girlfriends to play with the clay. The clay is more forgiving than people and if I screw up, I just break what I made, rehydrate it, and try again.
The dogs need walks, the housework can wait until tomorrow, and there are leftovers for supper.
Sending love. I did some counseling and yes sometimes some sessions bring up things that you'd never thought of or considered. I am glad that you seem to feel a good connection with your consellor <3
ReplyDeleteYes, counseling can do that. I think it's a good sign. And I admire your grit in doing it. Now enjoy playing with clay! It's friendly.
ReplyDeleteBeing unable to repeat exactly what was said in verbal abuse situations makes sense to me. I also was unable to remember, and had to go back to old journals (no fun) to find out. -Kate
ReplyDeleteAnother great analogy between clay and life. In your efforts to not break your marriage or your kids, part of you got broken and now you're repairing yourself. Like any fix, it's time-consuming and difficult. Counseling can (and should?) bring out those painful realities from the past. Proud of you for your work with the pottery and everything else!
ReplyDeleteGood for you for the pottery and taking care of yourself as best you can. I love the "Keep calm, there's leftovers in the refrigerator."
ReplyDeleteWell, there is more than one form of abuse.
ReplyDeleteBy far.
Why are women so apt to put up with men who treat them with such disrespect and disregard? I did it for quite awhile. I still have a lot of anger when I think of certain things. In fact, I can barely stand to be around him now. How DARE he have treated a young me like that?
Pottery. Yes. We can turn off our minds and let our hands do good things with clay.
Right now I'm trying to convince myself to just compost a leftover tofu dish I made a few nights ago. It's really not good and yet- it's food. You know?
You are revisiting some hard stuff. I have done similar reviews of my life, and the people in it, over the years. It has always been helpful in the long run. But in the short term, it is super God damned hard. Take naps if you need to.
ReplyDeleteOur brains hide the difficult memorie from us to protect us. You are doing an amazing job with the counselling. I wish I could break, rehydrate and try again with a few things in my life. Between you and Ms Moon, I am sorely tempted to have a go at clay.
ReplyDeleteLeftovers for the win every time. xx
It does sound hard, but worth it, to open it up, and let it go.
ReplyDeleteI seems like your counsellor is going to bring you at least some understanding of your life.
ReplyDeleteWhile I don't do it often, the meme about left over food can be accurate.
Oh my goodness, your description of your life (with your ex-husband in particular) hit home so hard for me. My ex wasn't a pilot but he was violent and trying to "hang on" is exactly what it felt like to me for so long, and I didn't even have your challenges with Katie. I remember one youngish therapist saying to me "and you think him doing that was an accident"? and it really hit home to me that even apart from the violence, his behaviour was abuse. Sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees because you really are just trying to "hang on"! I'm really glad this therapist is helping you!
ReplyDeleteThat counseling session does sound like it was very difficult for you. But it is good to get all of this out, and I think it is wonderful that you have found a counselor that you can trust. I am sure pottery class is the best medicine after having all of those emotions at your session.
ReplyDeleteI believe the pain you are experiencing will eventually bring you a sense of peace. I know it's helped me. Playing with clay sounds like a wonderful way to spend a day.
ReplyDeleteThat meme about the leftovers is spot-on.
ReplyDeleteReal counseling is a brave difficult process; good for you!