Miss Katie had a tough time yesterday.  When I went to pick her up for lunch she was screaming and crying, and she had a whopper of a black eye.  She had a meltdown and smashed her face against something that did not move.  It's not the first black eye she's given herself, and I doubt it will be the last sadly.  We gave her tylenol #3 and an ativan which helped.  She continues to have abdominal pain from the ovarian cyst and right now she has her period too.

Katie has the most beautiful eyes, in my opinion.  If you look closely at the iris, you'll see the small white spot in the middle of her iris, that's the cataract that she was born with, the harbinger of things to come.

I didn't take her out to he mall but came back to my house instead.  She saw the dogs and the cat.  I fed her and then I took her back home.  I was exhausted and when I got back home, I lay down on the bed for awhile.  

I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, between Katie and Jack.  They're not so different those two, both requiring enormous amounts of energy.  Katie is autistic, Jack has ADHD, and then I wondered, is Jack also autistic?  I looked it up (of course I did).  What I found was not Jack but myself.  I found a site (many sites) about AuDHD

"The individual may regularly come up with new routines to try to stick to.

They may come up with new ways of doing the same thing or follow a particular process when trying something new. They try to satisfy their craving for new whilst managing their anxiety around change.

They may impulsively choose change, then experience anxiety due to the change.

They may regularly seek out new things, but only with familiar people and want to complete things in a particular way or following a familiar process.

They may regularly burn out from being too busy and overwhelmed socially, but struggle to slow down to recharge.

Their environment might become messy and chaotic easily, leading to overwhelm and difficulty functioning.

They may be hyper-organized to compensate for their disorganized brain.

They may feel anxious every day about running late or not being early.

They may have an exceptional long-term memory but a poor working/short-term memory.

Their intense/special interests may regularly change theme or topic."

Burnout in AuDHD

AuDHD burnout isn’t about being tired after a busy week; it’s deep, persistent and often creeps up over months. Look out for:

Bone‑deep fatigue that doesn’t improve with rest.

Sudden drop in functioning - tasks you used to handle feel insurmountable.

Heightened sensory sensitivity and meltdowns - everyday sounds, lights or textures become unbearable.

Executive function struggles - planning, organising and self‑care go out the window.

Emotional rollercoasters - irritability, anxiety or tearfulness with no obvious trigger.

Loss of interest - even your special interests or favourite hobbies might feel like hard work.

Masking fatigue - you might find yourself fidgeting or speaking more bluntly because you simply can’t keep up the performance.

The strange thing is, I feel like I've been tired my whole life, and maybe I have been.  It takes a lot of energy to live inside my brain.  And maybe I'm not crazy, or the only one who feels like this.  Maybe there is a reason I have a hard time coping with the world.  And maybe it's not depression that I've been dealing with my whole life but neurodivergence.  

And that's where I am this morning; worn out but not the only fucked up person in the world which is a strangely good feeling which gives me hope.