My crocuses are coming up and the snow is finally gone.  We're busy cutting down the rest of the tree that's dying from black knot fungus.  It was a huge tree, and the second tree in our yard with that disease; thankfully, also the last tree in our yard with that disease.  Hubby and I worked all day in the yard, cutting and burning.

Now we have to deal with our rotting fence which involves, moving soil, putting down a retaining wall, and then putting the soil back.  Next year we're going to replace our fence and hopefully that will see us out (mum used to say that).

After school yesterday, before I picked up Jack from daycare, I got an email from his teacher that Jack had been punching other kids in their private parts and bums.  She asked that we have a conversation with him, which we did.  He said he didn't know why he was punching the other kids but told us about three boys that punch him.  I don't know if that's true or not, but we did tell him, that it's no excuse.  And strangely, he didn't punch any of the kids that he said punched him, just other kids. So that was a fun conversation to have, which involved a lot of crying on Jack's part.

After Jack had his bath, he wouldn't get out of the bathtub.  I asked him several times and he ignored me, the bath was empty and I sat with a towel to dry him off, waiting impatiently.  When he wouldn't get out, I told him he could get himself dried off and I went downstairs.

The last time I did this, he flooded the bathroom with water.  He was mad at me.  Last time, I told him to ask me for help instead of getting angry with me.  Last night he asked me for help several times and I ignored him, because I'm stubborn, because I was tired, because I wanted to do something else.  When he finally did come downstairs, he was apologizing for what he had done.  He was talking about something that was heavy and didn't smell good.  I had just bought scented epsom salts and sure enough he had some in his hair that had just been washed.  He said he was sorry again.

I went upstairs to the bathroom and found epsom salts all over the bathroom floor, so I yelled.  I told him that I was angry and I left the house with a dog, acutally I stormed out of the house with one of the dogs.  I was only gone about 5 minutes because I realized as I stomped down the path, that my father used to do this, get angry as hell and storm out of the house.  I remember how scared I was of my dad and his anger.  So I went back.

Jack was sitting with Poppa, crying.  He thought he would have to move out of our house because I was angry with him.  I told him that I always loved him, even when I get angry and that he could stay with us forever.  I was still mad but I explained why I was angry.  I felt disrespected and I was tired.

Jack's biggest fear is my biggest fear, rejection and/or abandoment, except I never went into foster care, I never ended up with strangers when I was only two years old.

We all had a good night sleep and this morning he and I talked.  I asked him if he was angry with me last night because I didn't help him out of the tub and didn't dry him off.  He said yes.  I told him that I had asked him to ask for help instead of acting out, and then I remembered that he has asked for help and I just ignored him.  I told him that and I apologized.  I told him that I love him no matter what, that he can always live with us.

And then I asked him if it was strange living with nana and poppa instead of his mom and dad.  He said it was and he said he wanted to meet his dad, although he was worried about his dad drinking.  I hate that my six year old grandson has to deal with grown up shit, while he's just a kid.  I told him that I would try and arrange for him to meet his dad and left it at that, but that's going to be a whole new can of worms.

So, nana fail.  I did tell Jack that I am human and that I make mistakes, more for me than him I think.  Did I mention how tired we all were?  Do I know that fatigue makes me do and say stupid things?  Yes, and it still happens, but I expect a six year old to rein himself in when he's tired.  I am going to forgive myself.  I am trying to be a good role model for Jack and fortunately he has a grandpa who is a good role model for staying calm, even in the eye of the storm.  I will do better next time.