The weather has been warm and sunny, except for today which is cold and rainy.  Jack and I took Heidi for a walk at the dog park on Friday.  Like most boys it seems, Jack found a stick, and had to throw it, or whack it against a tree.  It was hot enough that he had to take off his shirt and wanted me to carry it.  I told him that he could figure out how to carry his shirt, and he did.

We spent a lot of time outside on Friday, he was playing in the back yard, moving wood (for his treehouse) and just generally enjoying being outside.  By bath time he was exhausted and grumpy (6pm, not late).  He got in the tub, I washed him quickly and pulled the plug.  He wanted the plug back because he wanted a longer bath.  I said, you're tired.  How about you get out and get ready for bed.  NO!  So I gave him back the plug and told him he could decide.  He sat there with the plug in his hand, crying, I can't decide.  He got out of the tub after that, dried off, pyjamas on, and into bed pretty quickly.  Like most people, myself included, he has a hard time dealing with life when he's tired.  I'm trying to teach him how to notice when he's tired, or hungry, or overstimulated, and how that makes him feel.  Trying to teach myself that too:)

 

This is the back northeast corner of our garden.  The previous owner built up some planting beds against the fence, but didn't protect the fence.  Over the years the fence has rotted.  There was probably about two feet of dirt piled up against the fence.  This is the same corner where we removed most of the chokecherry tree, infected with black knot fungus.  I dug down two feet and then built a retaining wall on our side of the fence.  When it comes time to replace the fence, the retaining wall will protect the new fence from the dirt.

The retaining wall is a foot high, built of pressure treated wood, to resist rot.  Holding the wood together are eight inch nails which look really cool and take awhile to pound in.  A very satisfying project and now I get to do it two more times, because the fence is rotting in the other corner and along one of side fences which Charlie would throw himself against when we first got him. 

It's quiet in the house this morning, Jack is at his mother's.  I miss him when he's gone but it's a lovely little respite too.  Like so many things, it is bittersweet.  I get to recharge my batteries, but Jack gets dysregulated. Sigh.  And like so much of life, there are no easy answers.  

Jack sees the pediatrician this coming Friday and I will ask about putting him on medication for his ADHD.  He's very distruptive at school and basically pisses off most of his classmates.  He doesn't know how to make friends because his social skills are lagging, and this hurts his feelings, which means he acts out even more.  A vicious circle.  Slowing him down and helping his focus might help.  I know the medication helped his father at school.

And me, I'm happy I can get back out into my garden.  The grass is greening up, the trees are ready to bud out, and my zinnias are doing well on my kitchen counter.  One of the zinnias is blooming already.

I realized last night that I don't miss work anymore, and I'm thankful for that.  I'm settling into retirement and enjoying it.  Of course, spring and summer just make life easier for everything, but I am thankful I have time now to get at big jobs in my garden, like the retaining wall.  I also enlarged one of my borders which I've wanted to do for a while.  I have some shrubs that need digging up, which always makes me sad, but they should never have been planted where they were.  

My husband is off for ten days and he's more relaxed now too which is good to see.  He can nap when he needs it and he's planning on replacing our old shed, and building a treehouse for Jack (a very simple treehouse, more of a platform I'm guessing).  Jack's terribly excited about it.

What Jack expects.

Versus reality.

Regardless, it will be cool.

We visited Jasper last weekend.  We hadn't been there in over a year because last summer, when we were supposed to visit, a fire tore through the area, leaving destruction in it's wake.  Our friend there, lost his house and he gave us two areas to visit that would "blow our minds".  One of those areas was Highway 93A which runs parallel to the Icefield Parkway.  The scene above was taken on that road.  Our minds were blown.

The scene below was alongside the road up to Maligne Canyon.  We stopped at the lookout just before Maligne Canyon and if the stone wall hadn't been there, neither of us would have recognized the place.  It was shocking and awful, but already Mother Nature is healing.  Grass is growing and there are more deer than I have ever seen there, probably because there is no place to hide now.

The fire was fearsome and blasted the burnt bark right off of the trees in some areas, in other areas, the trees were laid out like matchsticks on the ground.  More than one fire tornado ripped through the area, leaving behind trees bent over like old men.  Massive boulders had been split by the heat of the fire.  It looked like a war zone.  
 

The town was spared for the most part, although some people lost their houses and a few businesses were destroyed.  We tried to find the lot where our friend's house used to sit but without landmarks, we had no idea.  Despite the destruction, spring is coming to the mountains.  The area north of town, Pyramid Lake and Pyramid Mountain were untouched by the fire.  You can see Pyramid Moutain in the background of the photo above.

It was nice to get away from town and from Jack.  He's been awful these past few weeks, argumentative, whiny, and generally unpleasant to be around.  Last night's bath was the first nice bath he's had in weeks with no tears, no arguing, and even some laughing.

Jack's grandma contacted me this week because she had bought tickets for an event this coming Saturday, for him and her.  It was part of her Christmas gift to him.  She could no longer go, because decided to go to Canmore to hang with her friends. She asked me if I could take him.  I declined.  She also missed his birthday this month.  Trashy way to treat your only grandchild in my opinion.  But opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and nobody thinks theirs stinks.

I finally finished our taxes and I owed money this year.  Not really a surprise with working and receiving money from my RRSPs and pensions, but I didn't know how to send the government the money I owed them because that has never happened to me in my life.  Finally sorted it out.

Yesterday I transplanted two spruce seedlings into the ground beyond our fence.  There is a walkway back there and the county cut down five trees a few years ago and never replaced them. To be fair, the trees were dying. I made an executive decision last summer to go ahead and plant some spruce there, dug up from other wild places along the walkways.  I'm still waiting to see if any of the acorns I planted survived the winter (also in the wild space behind our house).  Fingers crossed.

Work continues on the retaining wall next to the fence.  I've learned that I would never want to bury a body.  It's a lot of work to dig up that much dirt.  I am hopeful that the retaining wall gives us another year with the fence.

Life goes on.  I'm not diabetic yet, prediabetes still, but my blood pressure is rising.  I have mild arthritis in my sternoclavicular joint.  The diseases of age, I just didn't realize I was that old though:)

We went on a short trip to Jasper this weekend.  Pyramid Lake and Pyramid mountain.

 

 

Also Pyramid Lake.

Medicine Lake.

 Athabasca River.

Some of the devastation from last summer's wildfire

 

My crocuses are coming up and the snow is finally gone.  We're busy cutting down the rest of the tree that's dying from black knot fungus.  It was a huge tree, and the second tree in our yard with that disease; thankfully, also the last tree in our yard with that disease.  Hubby and I worked all day in the yard, cutting and burning.

Now we have to deal with our rotting fence which involves, moving soil, putting down a retaining wall, and then putting the soil back.  Next year we're going to replace our fence and hopefully that will see us out (mum used to say that).

After school yesterday, before I picked up Jack from daycare, I got an email from his teacher that Jack had been punching other kids in their private parts and bums.  She asked that we have a conversation with him, which we did.  He said he didn't know why he was punching the other kids but told us about three boys that punch him.  I don't know if that's true or not, but we did tell him, that it's no excuse.  And strangely, he didn't punch any of the kids that he said punched him, just other kids. So that was a fun conversation to have, which involved a lot of crying on Jack's part.

After Jack had his bath, he wouldn't get out of the bathtub.  I asked him several times and he ignored me, the bath was empty and I sat with a towel to dry him off, waiting impatiently.  When he wouldn't get out, I told him he could get himself dried off and I went downstairs.

The last time I did this, he flooded the bathroom with water.  He was mad at me.  Last time, I told him to ask me for help instead of getting angry with me.  Last night he asked me for help several times and I ignored him, because I'm stubborn, because I was tired, because I wanted to do something else.  When he finally did come downstairs, he was apologizing for what he had done.  He was talking about something that was heavy and didn't smell good.  I had just bought scented epsom salts and sure enough he had some in his hair that had just been washed.  He said he was sorry again.

I went upstairs to the bathroom and found epsom salts all over the bathroom floor, so I yelled.  I told him that I was angry and I left the house with a dog, acutally I stormed out of the house with one of the dogs.  I was only gone about 5 minutes because I realized as I stomped down the path, that my father used to do this, get angry as hell and storm out of the house.  I remember how scared I was of my dad and his anger.  So I went back.

Jack was sitting with Poppa, crying.  He thought he would have to move out of our house because I was angry with him.  I told him that I always loved him, even when I get angry and that he could stay with us forever.  I was still mad but I explained why I was angry.  I felt disrespected and I was tired.

Jack's biggest fear is my biggest fear, rejection and/or abandoment, except I never went into foster care, I never ended up with strangers when I was only two years old.

We all had a good night sleep and this morning he and I talked.  I asked him if he was angry with me last night because I didn't help him out of the tub and didn't dry him off.  He said yes.  I told him that I had asked him to ask for help instead of acting out, and then I remembered that he has asked for help and I just ignored him.  I told him that and I apologized.  I told him that I love him no matter what, that he can always live with us.

And then I asked him if it was strange living with nana and poppa instead of his mom and dad.  He said it was and he said he wanted to meet his dad, although he was worried about his dad drinking.  I hate that my six year old grandson has to deal with grown up shit, while he's just a kid.  I told him that I would try and arrange for him to meet his dad and left it at that, but that's going to be a whole new can of worms.

So, nana fail.  I did tell Jack that I am human and that I make mistakes, more for me than him I think.  Did I mention how tired we all were?  Do I know that fatigue makes me do and say stupid things?  Yes, and it still happens, but I expect a six year old to rein himself in when he's tired.  I am going to forgive myself.  I am trying to be a good role model for Jack and fortunately he has a grandpa who is a good role model for staying calm, even in the eye of the storm.  I will do better next time.

  

I really don't think I have a difficult life, my daughters however do have difficult times in their lives, as do we all.  Some of us have crippling anxiety, some of us have autoimmune diseases, some of us have the diseases of age, some of us have broken families, some of us have cancer, some of us have lost their partners to disease or suicide or divorce, some of us have to deal with traumatic brain injuries, some of us are living in a war zone, some of us were abused by parents or spouses, some of us deal with discrimination, and some of us deal with addictions.  My point is, we all have difficult things in our lives and those difficult things are unique to our life.  I also think that difficult things is how we grow and learn, not just about ourselves, but about the world and life in general.

I don't write about things for sympathy, although it's nice, I write about things to get them out of my head, because if they stay inside my head, they swirl around and turn into shitty thoughts, which in turn become depressed thoughts.  It's how I deal with things.  I have good days and bad days.  I have good moments and bad moments.  Often times I can so easily forgot the good days and the good moments, and just ruminate, but that's not just me either.  It's part of being a human being.  Our brains are designed to pay attention to the dangerous times, because that's how our ancestors survived for 300,000 years.  The ones that didn't pay attention to the dangerous, scary stuff, died before they could leave behind progeny.  Nervous people survived:)

I've been going through old photos because I found a bunch of them in the basement and it was a good reminder of all the good times in my life, things I'm so thankful for.  Life is never perfect, never without difficulty and never without pain, but it can also be wonderful at times.

1985

1999

1998

1998ish

1998

1999

I've been banned from instagram (for now), no reason, no explanation.  My crime if I were to guess, disagreeing with politicians and people who accept lies as facts.  Because I'm such a people pleaser, I feel down, like I've done something wrong, not something right.  I have been silenced which does not feel good at all.

On the upside, it's Jack's birthday today and National Unicorn Day.  On the way to daycare, we stopped and bought a box of fifty Timbits for Jack's daycare.  He was pretty pumped about that and excited to share with everyone.  This morning hubby and I sang him Happy Birthday while he sat with a big smile on his face.  For his birthday present, we bought him a new bike.  Now he has to learn to ride without training wheels:)

Yesterday went well at court, and unless things change drastically, we won't have to go back.  The case was adjourned sine die which means it could be opened in the future, if things changed, but for now, things stay as they are.  We had a long talk with Gracie and her sister afterwards and that went well also, so a win for everyone which is very good.  We talked about TV, bedtimes, school, ADHD, exercise, expectations, and going forward.  You never know what the future will hold because if someone had told me about this conversation three years ago, I wouldn't have believed them.

I also had an appointment with Katie's psychiatrist.  Katie's behavior has not improved, ten incidents in the last month and I'm out of ideas.  The psychiatrist started her on clonidine and I guess we'll see if that helps.  It hurts my heart to see her hurting herself, and having meltdowns.  Maybe this will help.  I also requested an OT consult to check her sensory processing.  A long time ago, Katie had a weighted vest which helped her at school, it gave her more sensory feedback.  I just ordered her a weighted blanket and maybe that might help too.  Sometimes it feels like I've been looking for solutions for her my whole life.  I just want her to feel good and have some peace.

Which brings me to my middle daughter who is being knocked on her ass by MS fatigue, something I didn't even know about before she was diagnosed.  It's not regular tiredness.  Somebody described it as the feeling of staying up all night, having the flu, and having a hangover, all at once.  I want to help her and I can't.  I inadvertently upset her yesterday and I apologized, but I still feel bad.  Fuck MS.

The sun is shining though and it's supposed to go up to 15C today which is lovely and which means I want to be outside.  The garden is still mushy and muddy, but I'll find something to do out there.  I saw tiny crocuses pushing their way up through the dead leaves in the garden.  Plants amaze me.  They don't worry about the weather, or their children, they just do their thing.  Sometimes I wish I could be a tree.

The weather has warmed up considerably.  Jack wanted to wear shorts and a t-shirt and then put his winter boots on to go out.  The snow that we had a week ago is almost gone and it got up to 17C today.

We had Jack's birthday party today and it was a success.  I invited Gracie, and Jack and I went and picked her up.  We talked in the car.  She's been through a lot.  Her psychiatrist had her on five different meds, including an anti-psychotic, an anti-depressant, and a benzodiazepene, plus she was drinking.  Her family doctor got her off all those meds and sent her for testing.  Gracie was diagnosed with ADHD and is now on Vvyanse and feeling good.  She's sober and wants to stay that way.  Her anxiety has gone down to almost nothing.  The change in her was shocking and wonderful to see.  She's seeing a counselor and going to group therapy.  She's getting better and I'm so thankful for that.  After the party, I drove her and Jack back to her place so that he could stay with her overnight.  I feel hope.

There was cake and ten children in my house, screaming and running, literally.  It was chaos and at some point, I think every children ended up crying.  Jack had a hard time and cried a fair bit, until he finally let go and just enjoyed himself.  He wanted to be in charge and tell everyone how to play the games and nobody listened to him, a feeling I am familiar with:)

The kids were supposed to play cornhole and knee hockey, but that didn't work out.  The hit of the afternoon was painting little egg cups. 

 And trump.  Well the world does not like him right now and that's a very good thing.

I'm trying to remain calm.  Jack's birthday is coming up quickly and he's having a party for his school friends on Saturday which is keeping his brain busy with plans.  There will be cornhole, knee hockey, and a painting craft.  There will be junk food and cake, and then everyone will go home after two hours.  To be honest, his behavior is pretty good, considering how much he's looking forward to it.

He's still talking about mama and her tablet, because mama lets him spend lots of time on his tablet playing games and watching TV.  I did talk to her about it, and hopefully she cuts back on his screen time so he's equally mad at us.  I also looked up five year olds obbessions with games, and it's not uncommon, so he's normal.  He is a funny guy though.  Every morning before we leave the house for daycare or school, he paces around the kitchen island, all the while talking to me about every thing.  He has so many thoughts inside his brain and they all have to come out.  I just realized he's like me that way.  I do so much better if I can talk about things out loud, get those thoughts out of my head.  He talks more than any boy I've met:)  He'll either drive some woman crazy, or she'll love it.

The US continues to circle the drain, economically, with it's insane policies and politicians.  It's stressful to watch because Canadians worry about getting dragged along with them.  We have an election coming up 3.5 weeks, and I guess that will help to decide which way we're heading.  For me, I'm voting Liberal because I believe humans should be helping each other and working together.  I don't believe in every man/woman for themselves.  

In other news, I gave our renter at my husband's old house, notice to vacate.  We want to sell the house and really don't like being landlords.  She doesn't pay much, $900/month for a three bedroom house with utilities included.  She wasn't happy.  She's a single mom of three kids and works hard.  But on the upside, she got hold of her dad, who literally lives about a five minute drive away from her (who knew),  whom she hasn't talked to in twenty years, and he wants to help her.  They are looking at ways to get financing to buy the house.  We don't want to do anymore work on that house and it will be sold as is, for probably less than market value.  If they can buy the house, no realtors and everybody wins.  I have my fingers crossed for her and for us.

My condo will also be repaired, shortly?  Again, who knows, but the realtor said we can sell it as is, as long as the new buyer knows it will be repaired.  Fingers crossed.

Now for some funny, because there really isn't anything funny going on.