Sunday, December 27, 2020

I took Heidi out for a nice walk yesterday.  There is a spot on the trail that is very slippery and very steep.  I wear a long coat and now I just sit down on my coat, pull up my legs and slide down the hill on my back like a turtle, laughing all the way.  It's so much fun.  At the bottom Heidi checks me out to make sure I'm okay and then we carry on with our walk.

When I got home from work on Christmas Eve there was an email waiting for me from the manager of Katie's home.  The government had announced that people living along could visit one family on Christmas day.  Technically Katie lives alone and so we were allowed to bring her home for a visit.  

It was so nice to see her.  She was confused that we didn't go to the mall or the horse barns but she enjoyed seeing us and got to visit with her sister on a video chat.  Katie had lunch, opened her presents and then signed that she wanted to go home.  Not a long visit but a visit just the same.  On the way home we stopped at the dog park so she could watch the dogs from the car.  

I just finished reading a book by Glennon Doyle, "Untamed".  I quite enjoyed it.  At first she seemed quite entitled but as I read further she pulled me in.  It was her take on religion and god that won me over eventually.  She seems quite brave in print but I wonder if she is like that in real life with her loved ones.  I'm much braver when I write than when I talk.  Writing helps me sort things out while talking often leaves me tangled up in words.

I had a meltdown at work last week, not being able to see Katie, not being able to control things (the root of all my problems), fatigue from caring for the little guy and work.  I made it halfway through my shift and then left after I snapped at a coworker.  I apologized to her and she accepted my apology.  We're all tired and snappish right now.  It's been a long year.

My manager and I talked and she wondered if I even wanted to continue nursing.  I wonder at times too but I also don't want to be pushed out the door.  My manager said to me that it seems I am in her office every month telling her I'm done which didn't seem accurate.  So I talked to a young coworker and she disagreed with our manager.  I have complained and have been done a few times but not every month. 

The nurses in our department get very little support and have to deal with a bully of a medical director on a daily basis.  It is widely known that this man is a bully who bullies nurses, techs and others docs.  Nothing is done.  Three docs have left because of this director and we are short of docs because of him and still nothing is done.  I am tired of this.  I guess I need to deal with this.  Conflict makes me feel queasy.  I hate it and it brings up memories of my father angry and yelling and I feel like a small child again.  Except I'm not a child anymore.  I am a difficult, opinionated, kind, compassionate, hard working woman with a dark sense of humor who is deeply loyal.  And I can do hard things.

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