Thursday, December 13, 2018

I'm not sure what to call the mama of my grandbaby.  She and my son were only together for a short time and she's done with him but not us thankfully.  I think here, I will call her Gracie.

So Gracie is going for another ultrasound today.  The baby's kidneys are slightly enlarged which of course I had to google.  Hydronephrosis, or enlarged kidneys, can be benign and fix itself at birth, so I've got my fingers crossed and am hoping for that.  Apparently it's quite common, 1 in 100 pregnancies.  I pray for the little guy every night, pray that he is healthy and normal, pray that he is nothing like his dad.  It's all I can do.

I wrote a letter to my son, I told him that he needs to get sober and stay sober.  I told him that he is not welcome in our home until he is sober.  I told him that his son needs him.  I told him that although I don't trust him, I do love him.  It's all I can do.

I'm off today which means Christmas baking, shopping for yarn and fabric and walking the dog.  We had freezing rain here on Monday which has turned everything into a skating rink.  I told the dog that I would walk her in the daylight when I can see the ice better.  She didn't seem to understand or care for that matter.  She's curled up on the chair beside me right now, sleeping hard.

Christmas is coming and with it the familiar dread.  It's strange really;  I love the lead up to Christmas, the shopping, the baking, even the decorating but the actual day is always a let down.  It's never as good as I would like or imagine.  In my head is one big happy family where everyone gets along, where people laugh and have a good time, where there is no drama, no tension, no drinking ( because even normal drinking now bothers me ), where it truly feels like Christmas.  Of course none of this is real, it's what I've made up in my head, watching thousands of hours of TV, commercials and movies.  I have been fed a constant diet of fake Christmas since I was a child and it sits in my head and pushes out real Christmas.

My best Christmas was the year after my ex-husband and I split up.  Katie came for supper and my two other kids.  My mum was still alive;  she was there too.  We had supper, Katie stayed at the supper table after she was done eating because I gave her the gingerbread house to deconstruct and eat.  We lingered at the table, relaxed.  While I drove Katie back to her place, my mum and kids cleaned up everything.  When I got back home we sat and watched a Big Bang marathon, ate peppermint cheesecake, laughed and relaxed.  My mum was still alive and healthy.  My son had not gone down the rabbit hole too far at this point.  Neither my ex-husband nor my father were around to darken everything with their mood.  It was my best Christmas.  Nothing special really, no TV movie moments, just peaceful and enjoyable.

What was your favorite Christmas memory?

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