Sunday, March 27, 2016

There was family drama with one of siblings this week, precipitated by myself which is most frustrating.  So much more convenient if you can blame someone else.  I messaged my sister in law on Facebook , thinking that it was just her Facebook page.  Apparently not.  I caught my sister in law up on my life and then said that I missed her and her kids but my brother, not so much sadly.

This message was never meant for my brother.  It was a private message to my sister in law.  And I am sad that I don't really miss my brother.  He read the message and sent back a snarky come back and then my sister in law weighed in, very angry with me.  As my daughter pointed out to me, what did I expect?  If the shoe was on the other foot, how would I feel?

The whole thing upset me and I vowed to myself to let my siblings go once and for all, with sadness and love. 

Last night I googled toxic families because I was still upset.  I came across many accounts of fucked up families like my own.  And then I came across an article about narcissistic families, which is something I had never heard of.  I started reading and recognized myself, my siblings, my parents, my whole family.  It was sad and frightening.

My siblings cannot be any different than what they are.  I don't fit in.  But the whole family has a habit of poking each other with spears and then running back into our caves to hide and protect ourselves from each other.  Mum was a great one for telling me horrible things that my siblings had said and I imagine she said things to them about me.  In narcissistic families, a parent will keep siblings fighting with each other because if they love each other then the parent doesn't get the love. 

I'm not blaming my mum or my dad.  I imagine they grew up in similar families and were just repeating what they knew.  At least that's my theory.  Another theory is that I am a difficult, bitchy woman who can't get along with anyone which is how I felt last week.  I cried a lot.

When I went to bed I couldn't stop crying and then I did some CBT.  I started thinking about the relationships I have people who are not my family.  I seem to manage fine with other people.  I don't get along with my ex but there are many reasons for that.  My siblings and I don't get along.  We all seem to resent each other.  I know for myself I can't be objective about my family.  I get a hurt a lot by them and I imagine I hurt them as well.  It seems like an endless loop of hurt and hurting.

Anyway, I did convince myself that I'm not just a bitch who likes to hurt people.  I also decided to stay far away from them.

In my mind of course, I would love to have a family that I could talk to, get support from and give support to but that's not what I have.  I'm not so different from my mum.  Always hoping for what I want and not believing what it is. 

I watch Blue Bloods on TV, a show about a family of Irish cops.  They argue, they disagree and they also support and love each other.  They forgive each other.  I have no ability to do that.  I can't forgive and I guess that's why I feel so bad.  I can't forgive my siblings for hurting my mum, even as she hurt all of us with her needs.  As you see, an endless cycle of hurt and hurting with no way out.

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