Depression
What does depression look like? Not so different really. My eyes may be reddened from crying and I probably move slower than I normally do. Fewer smiles and the ones that I do manage don't make it to my eyes but just sit on my lips. I still cook, still do the laundry, still get up and go to work. It's the inside that is so different.
What does depression feel like? It feels like I'm dead inside. Like there is a huge sadness sitting on my face, right below my eyes. I can feel how heavy it is. My whole body feels heavy, hard to move, the world reduced to slow motion. My brain can't focus, misses things, just doesn't work. I want to sleep or cry, or both. But I don't. I just keep on doing everything. It feels like all hope is gone.
And I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I can't cope with things. Ashamed that I cry in public. Ashamed that I went home sick from work. Ashamed that my brain betrays me.
I know it will pass. I know that there is hope, that there is life, that there is good and wonderful things but right now, today, the world is dark and gray and dead.
One of the worst parts of depression is not the depression itself but the shame that goes with it. So often in my blog I don't say anything because I feel like everyone must be so sick and tired of hearing it. The thing is, it isn't true. When I am feeling depressed and talk about it I encourage others that are going though it. There is no need for shame. Because it happens to a LOT of people. A LOT. And none of us need to feel shame. And neither do you. Depression is part of what makes you the great person that you are.
ReplyDeleteAt any rate, that doesn't help the right now. No matter how mindful I am that "this too shall pass" it doesn't help the right now. All you can do is just be gentle with yourself. Sleep. Eat healthy foods. Have a nice long bath. Read books that don't need you to think much. Just do things that you can do.
Sending love.
I don't know about this kind of depression, but I think just sitting with this dead, dark and gray feeling is the only thing you CAN do. Sit and try not to judge it. Just observe where you are in that moment. Just that moment. And then the next.
ReplyDeleteI love you much.
I am relieved to read that even at its worst, you know it won't last. That's huge. It sucks though, that bad time of the mind. You describe it well. I hope you are feeling better today.
ReplyDeleteDepression is very, very real. And it is devastating. There is nothing worse than having someone who has never had it tell you to go take a walk or go do a good deed for someone else. It is maddening, yes? And if you are like me, it has to be waited out, nothing to do for it. I am always terrified that it will never go away, but it always does, eventually. Fingers crossed that yours is a swift pass.
ReplyDeleteI understand feeling like you're dead. My avatar is a dead tree...I picked it for a reason. :p
ReplyDeleteI hope your depression lifts soon. As I'm sure you know, shame is a useless emotion. If you can, toss it in the bin.