I'm reading a book right now, recommended to me by a counselor that the big guy and I are seeing.  The book is entitled, "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie.  Here is an excerpt from yesterday's meditation.

Life is a Gentle Teacher.  She wants to help us learn. 

The lesson she wants to teach us are the ones we need to learn.  Some say they are the lessons we chose to learn before we were born.  Others say they are the lessons that were chosen for us....

Life is a Gentle Teacher.  She will keep repeating the lesson until we learn....

I may have mentioned that I am a slow learner.  My grandmother was an alcoholic and although I never met her, her legacy lives on in me.  I have surrounded myself with alcoholics my whole life.  There is something deep inside of me that keeps repeating this pattern, to what end?  Is there something broken inside of me?  Is it just the familiar I desire?  I'm not sure.  What I do know is that I want to put an end to it.  An end to secrets,  an end to lies, an end to denial and pretending. 

These secrets weigh heavily on my body.  I have suffered from back pain, caused by tight muscles, for most of my life.  More than one massage therapist that I've seen has remarked that I seem to be trying to protect myself from the world.  And now I'm crying so I'm sure that's true. 

So if I feel unsafe, if I'm trying to protect myself from the world, why do I keep on repeating this same pattern?