They love me, but only if I act they way they want me to. They love me but I must behave. They love me but I am not allowed to say what I feel. The story of my life I realized this morning.
My ex-husband loved me, if I behaved a certain way. My parents loved me, if I would only do as they asked. My family apparently loves me, with the above stipulations. Fuck that!
Almost two years I met and fell in love with the big guy. I don't know if I've ever explained why I call him the big guy. He's six foot five. He loves me. He loves all of me, even the nasty bits, even the stupid bits, even the jiggly bits. It's not easy being loved wholly. I have no experience with it and I find it difficult at times. I'm sure he does as well. I can be prickly, moody, impatient, a drama queen and I often push him very hard because I am scared. But I never doubt that he loves me. Ever.
I was raised to not make waves, be nice, behave, shut up, sit down, stuff everything down deep inside. Except I leak a fair bit. All that stuffing tends to either explode out of me as anger or as tears. But I don't want to live like that anymore.
Right now at work I am faced with a morally distressing situation. A co-worker abandoned a patient, left the patient on the table and walked out on the patient and the doctor near the end of a procedure because she wanted to prove a point to management. She was reprimanded by our manager but I still feel that it is my responsibility to report it to our college. This has bothered me all summer. What she did was wrong, it was inexcusable. And the thought of reporting her, of putting my name of the complaint terrifies me because it will make waves, it will make work difficult, because she will be angry with me and her anger scares me. She is a passive-aggressive bully and she scares me.
I am so tired of being scared. Is it really wrong to say something when somebody doesn't do their job? Is it wrong to have standards?
As for my family, is it wrong to say what I think and feel? Am I not allowed to feel anger towards siblings who didn't want to help care for their mother? Who wanted to put their mother in a nursing home rather than make their lives difficult for awhile? They don't have to agree with me but I am allowed to feel my feelings dammit!
Good that it's coming out.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I had a fight with my brother because he started telling me what to do about my mother when I not him care for her . I was furious and I let him know it and he came down on me back
Then, later when the heat had settled, I thought 'he's my only brother and he's a fucked up jerk about this but he can't go much better.' And when I made some small talk with him he met me half way immediately. I don 't think we will fight that way again. Neither of us wants to
Be yourself. That's for sure. Can you be that with your family? Maybe they're fucked up jerks too :-)
Love
kj
Ps I mean in this instance . I don't mean to be calling your family names. I hope you got my wise guy irony in the way I said that :-)
ReplyDeleteOy. The whole family thing. When my family objects to something that I've written, I feel defensive, but then I just advise them not to read it anymore.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are in a great relationship and feel like your posts, over the years, have gotten stronger and stronger. Be happy. Be brave and strong. You are both.