The shortest day of the year was yesterday, and I took Heidi and Jack for a walk in the dog park.  It was beautiful, at least I thought so, Jack bitched and moaned and complained for most of the walk.  When we were almost back to the car, I asked him if he'd had a good walk.  He said he had.  

My brother and his wife are visiting their daughter and future son in law for a few days.  My neice and her soon to be husband live a five minute walk from us, which in theory means that we could visit more often, but in reality, she has two jobs and her boyfriend works long hours.  I didn't know they were engaged, so I found out that, and then we were invited to their wedding in November.  I haven't been invited to a wedding in a long time, other than my own, and I'm looking forward to it.

Katie had another psychiatrist appointment on Friday and I decided, to reduce the new antipsychotic drug by half.  The doc was okay with that, we'll wait and see if that helps, or not.  I also told him that Katie is now taking CBD gummies once daily, and that seemed to have helped her, a lot.  As her primary caregiver said, "We have our Katie back."

During the discussion, I told the doc that I had tested the CBD gummy on myself first, before giving it to Katie.  I told the doc that it made it quiet inside my head, which surprised him.  I also told him that Katie's sister also takes CBD oil for her own anxiety sometimes, and it helps her.  

So Katie is relaxed, not zoned out, and she's happy again.  I'm so thankful for that.

Otherwise, not much going on here.  I wrapped all the gifts this afternoon, there aren't a lot of them, and they're under the tree.  Jack went to see Santa last Wednesday and there has been a lot of discussion in our house with regards to whether or not Santa is real.  One of the older boys at daycare told Jack that Santa is not real.  When Jack saw Santa, Jack was wearing his Lego shirt from something we went to last summer.  Jack sat on Santa's lap and Santa said to him, "I bet you want Lego for Christmas."  

Jack was in awe that Santa knew him that well and agreed that he did indeed want Lego for Christmas from Santa.

I have one more day of work, tomorrow, and I don't know if I'll be going back in the New Year.  I think it's time to move on, but it's hard to give up people that I love, my work family.  We'll see.

Merry Christmas everyone!

 It's snowing here today and will be snowing all day.  And it's cold here too, with the wind, it feels like -28C.  I'm so thankful we have central heating.

Just the backyard, with the snow falling.

I bought my Christmas turkey (breast) this morning, so that's all done.  Much easier than cooking a whole bird for two people.

A very disappointed dog, even though it's too cold to spend more than a few minutes outside, he still wants to go for a walk.  I imagine they'll both sleep for most of the day.

And me?  One more batch of Christmas cookies to be made.  My brother arrives tonight and I'm having brunch with my brother and sister in law tomorrow morning.  My middle daugther is sick in Vancouver and Katie had a good day yesterday, post CBD gummy.  I even managed to get her to a lab and she got her blood work done without much fuss.  

I'm just finishing up a quilt for Jack.  This past summer I found a piece of fabric at the Salvation Army that was a mercator map of the world, and it was accurate.  So I've been working on it, ever so slowly, and hopefully it will be done in a few days.  Jack is obssessed with Africa but doesn't seem to understand that it is a continent of fifty-two countries, not just one big country.  I'm hoping the map helps him with that.  I also made a french knot in the fabric approximately where Edmonton is, so he knows where we are. 

My knees are finally feeling back to normal after six months.  Not sure what I did to them in June but they don't hurt anymore.  I have only mild osteoarthritis in my knees, so I couldn't figure out what was so painful.  My quads were very weak and I have been working on strengthing them.  I started thinking and wondered if stronger quads help keep the knee joint healthier, help to protect the cartilage, by better supporting the knee joint.  Did a little research and found out, that is the case, so will make sure my quads stay strong as I age.  

Now if I could just stay up a little later:)

I feel down today, not sure why.  It will pass, at least I understand and believe that now.  I took the dogs for walks yesterday as it was going to be too cold to walk them for a few days.  Charlie looks like no trouble at all.  

Katie is still having a hard time with the new drug.  She's restless and agitated but not violent which is good. I brought Katie home on Saturday because I wanted to see how she was doing.  She was okay, but not herself.  She didn't hurt me or even try but it was like there was something pushing her from the inside.  Katie makes a noise all the time, I don't even know how to spell it, but it is her sound.  It's almost like a question, or a demand for attention.  Usually when she's happy, there is a longer time between the sounds.  On Saturday she was making that noise every 1-2 seconds.  It upset me because it's not her usual, something isn't right. 

I emailed Elizabeth in LA, asking for her advice, or the advice of anyone she knows about antipsychotic drugs (Elizabeth has a disabled daughter and a wide network of people with disabled children).  She didn't know of anything but suggested we try marijuana again.  Katie's primary caregiver at her group home suggested the same.

I tried Katie on marijuana a few years ago.  It helped but it was a horrible hassle to give to her because it was restricted and so many rules.  Now it's legal and comes in quite a huge variety.  My middle daughter uses CBD oil for her anxiety and to help her sleep; she finds it quite helpful.  So yesterday I went off to a dispensary and bought some gummies with 50mg of CBD in them.  I took one and waited.  Nothing really happened, other than I noticed the voice in my head, that never fucking shuts up, was silent.  I had a hard time falling asleep though, which I don't like, but that's not new either.

Katie has another appointment on Friday so I'll bring it up with her psychiatrist and listen to his feedback.  I have a lot of problems with side effects from drugs, like my dad did.  If there was a side effect, he would have it, in the days before the internet.  He wasn't looking anything up, it was just happening to him.

Today a lot of research has been done on drugs and how they are metabolized in the body.  If you look a drug up on Wikepedia, it will even tell you which enzyme is responsible for metabolizing the drug in your body.  And here's the thing about enzymes, they are produced by genes and are subject to inhibitors, inducers and genetic differences.  There are people who don't metabolize drugs well and they seem to suffer more side effects from drugs, like my dad, me, and I'm guessing Katie.  

Docs don't believe me when I tell them some of the strange side effects I experience, like suicidal ideation from Pepcid, but it's happened to me enough times that I know what it is and what's causing it.  I can take Pepcid sporadically but if I take it regularly for more than a week, I think about killing myself, a lot.  Diclonfenac cream, the kind that you rub on the sore joint, I tried that almost twenty years ago.  A week of insomnia.  Doc wouldn't believe me but today you can find the side effect easily on the internet.

So I'm wondering if reducing the dose of Katie's new antipsychotic would help, still control the violence towards herself and others, but also reduce the agitation she is experiencing.  I don't know but I want to try it.  And maybe a CBD gummy to help take the edge off.
 

And the moon photo?  It's called a cold moon and won't be seen again until 2043, god only knows what shape I'll be in then.  So I got up off my ass, found my husband's telephoto lens, trudged outside and took a photo.  It's actually the first moon photo I've taken.

Winter is upon us, dogs scattered around the house, along with lego and blankets.  More time is spent inside, playing lego or games.  I signed Jack up for swimming lessons, I remembered, but they don't start until next month.  I also signed myself up for pottery lessons in the new year.  I tried to find a photography class but came up empty handed which was weird.  I did join an Edmonton photography group on Facebook and I'll see how that goes.  

I'm still having a hard time being retired, not sure who I am anymore if I'm not a nurse.  I also find that the days just slip away with laundry, housework, and cooking.  I thought I would have more time for myself but unless I carve some time out for myself, I don't thinks that's going to happen, hence, the pottery class.  It is a commitment to myself.  

I worked yesterday and hugged three patients, with their permission.  One patient had been given two years to live, nine years ago.  I remember her and I'm so glad that she's still on the right side of the grass.  She managed to get divorced, has a new relationsip, and she's happy.  Another young woman with a two year old and an eleven month old, was just diagnosed with uterine cancer.  If I had recieved that news, I would have been a puddle. There was a third patient but I can't for the life of me remember who it was.  It was a busy day yesterday, but nothing bad happened.  As always, I was exhausted after the eight hours.  I think in the new year, I will cut back the shifts I'll take to four or six hours, and fewer shifts.  I need to start the next chapter of my life, figure out who I am when I'm not nursing.  

Steve from London was the inspiration for the orchid below.  He rescues plants and has lovely orchids.  I've never been able to get an orchid to grow or flower.  I also like to see a flower or two in the winter, so I took myself to the nursery a couple of months ago to try to buy an orchid.  They're so expensive, and as I told the lady who was helping me, I also have a cat that may, or may not, destroy the plant.  She pointed me towards the half price table and I picked out this one.  It had no flowers on it, just a stem, but I thought, what the hell.  And then it started to grow and put out buds.   It makes me happy.

 

Miss Katie is still not doing well with the new antipsychotic she's on, very restless and agitated.  The bladder infection seems to have resolved though, so that's good.

I still need to walk the dogs, but I'm waiting for it to warm up a little and the sun has come up, which is much nicer.  Sunrise was 8:43am this morning and not much longer to the solstice.  The days will get longer soon, with a respite from the dark.  I'm off to lunch with a friend today, because I need to cultivate friendships away from work.  Nothing grows without time and attention.

It rained here on the weekend, I can't even remember what day now, but then it started snowing.  As you can see, the snow was able to pile up on everything and it's beautiful.  It truly does look like what you would imagine a winter wonderland would look like.  I took Heidi to the off leash yesterday, leaving Charlie at home (because he's a dick I told him).  She and I had an amazing walk.

Miss Katie is not doing well, again, or still.  She may have a urinary tract infection and I did manage to get her pharmacist to start her on antibiotics (pharmacists here can now prescribe some drugs without a doctor's order).  She spent yesterday crying and screaming, not sure if it was her bladder or something else.  I tried taking her to emergency last night, a seven hour wait to see a doc, so I gave up and took her home. I dosed her with advil and a sleeping pill; she wasn't crying or screaming this morning.  She's on antibiotics now, so either things will improve, or they won't.

Jack has his Christmas concert today.  He said,  "You can't come because you don't know the words to the song."  I told him I was not going to sing, just watch him sing.  Then he said, "You can come."  The other night I gave him a few small cookies for his dessert and I grabbed one out of his bowl before I gave it to him.  He said, "How dare you!".  And last week, as he's walking around and around the kitchen island, while I'm doing dishes, he looks at me and says, "What the hippocampus?"  and then he adds, for my benefit apparently, "It's in the brain."  

This is the same kid that can't find the remote that he put on the couch beside him.

It's been another difficult week, man I'm tired of those kind of weeks.  Katie continues to struggle but her behavior has gotten much worse since starting on her new medication, much worse.  She is not sleeping or eating, and she keeps stripping off her clothes and urinating on the floor.  She seems almost manic, very restless and agitated, all side effects of the drug.  I did mention this to the doctor, and at first he seemed to dismiss it, but then he did change her to another drug.  We'll see how that goes.

On Tuesday I had a very sick patient, who looked like she was dying.  She is dying, but she looked like she was going to go while she was with us.  Her blood pressure was dangerously low, 44/32, at one point but the cardiologist who is caring for her right now, refused to let us give her fluids because of her congestive heart failure.  We were worried all day that she was going to code on us because of her blood pressure.  It was a huge shit show with ambulances to get her back to the UAH, but she was finally returned to the cardiology unit that she was on and proceeded to code.  She survived thankfully, for now.

I'm tired of doctors who refuse to listen to nurses, and I'm tired of men who refuse to listen to women.  I've been a nurse for thirty-eight years and I've seen a lot of sick people and I've cared for a lot of people who are dying.  I trust my gut.  Sometimes I can't tell you what is wrong with a patient, but I can tell you that there is something wrong with a patient.  

I had a young woman with ovarian cancer a few years ago and something wasn't right.  I ended up talking to her surgeon/onocologist by phone, while the doc was in surgery.  She believed me and asked me to send the patient to emerg at the Alex.  I did and the patient had emergency surgery that evening.  

Right now my husband has been unwell for six months and refuses to see a doctor.  I'm scared he's really sick and I've told him that, but he still refuses to see a doctor.  I'm so tired of having my knowledge and experience treated like it's nothing.

Jack had a good sleep last night and he still managed to have four meltdowns before I dropped him off at daycare.

#1  Last night, he and poppa made a bead bracelet with all of our names on it.  I put some glue on the knot last night, to make it strong and to ensure the knot didn't come undone.  He put it on this morning and within thirty minutes it broke, because he kept twisting it.

#2  He wanted to remake the bracelet this morning and asked for my help.  He was mad because the glue rendered some of the "gold beads" unuseable this morning and he had to change his design.  The glue was my fault he said.  Not happy.

#3  He dropped an "A" on the floor, the last "A" in the bottle of beads and he couldn't find it, so he couldn't spell out papa.  I said we could change it to poppa, not happy.

#4  I told him I could remake the bracelet later, because it was time for OSC (out of school care).  He wanted to know what later meant.  Did that mean I would be home all day?  Which, if that was the case, he figured he could stay home all day.  That was not going to happen after three meltdowns.  Then he was crying because he said, "I'm only a kid, and you yelled at me."  I told him that I understand that he is a kid but I did not yell at him, and I was very frustrated with him.  More tears.

A lot of tears this morning.  I know he has ADHD, but so do I, and I can only take so much in the way of overstimulation I realize.  It's been really cold this week so he hasn't been outside for exercise and I should have put him on the elliptical before supper last night.  But I didn't think of it.  I was tired.  So I felt like a failure as I drove home after dropping him off.  It's too cold to walk the dogs.  I had a cry, but  I'll get on the elliptical later to burn off some of my excess energy and stress.

Part of Jack burning off his energy involves pacing around the kitchen while making lots of noise.  Last night he was doing this while naked because again there was an issue about his shower/bath at bedtime.  The pacing and the noise was too much for my poor brain. He pushes me to the limit and then I walk away to stop me from yelling.  There is something about ADHD called rejection sensitive dysphoria (which I realize now, I've had all my life and it explains A LOT).  So the feelings Jack has when I walk away, rejection and a feeling of failure, are intense for him.  All of his feelings are intense, full disclosure, so are mine.  We're quite the pair.  

But now I know and I'm trying so hard to be patient with him and with myself.  We feel things strongly.  Our feelings get hurt easily.  We feel rejection often.  This is hard but I feel like I have more tools available to me this time round.  My two oldest also have ADHD and I can honestly say I feel like I failed them, but when you know better, you do better.  Or at least that's the theory:)

Tomorrow I think we'll head to the pool for some exercise and to burn up some of that excess energy of his.