It snowed last night, not a lot, but a harbinger of things to come.  Snow itself is not a bad thing, but when it's combined with the cold and the dark, it gets me down.  Life is just harder in the winter.  Navigating snow lined, slippery streets is hard, getting groceries is harder, getting childen in and out of coats and boots is harder, everything just becomes that little bit harder.  

Jack stayed home yesterday because he wasn't feeling well.  He had a very slight fever and he was still coughing, so I said fine, but I also told him what I had to do yesterday and that he would have to come with me.  We hung out at the rental for a couple of hours, waiting for the repair guy to come and finally fix the washing machine (it's been broken for three months, long story), took the dogs for a run at the dog park, and took Katie's wheelchair to be fixed.  He also got his vaccinations at a local pharmacy which did not go well.  It was done by a pharmacist who was fine, and did a good job, but he was no public health nurse and didn't really know what to do with a crying, screaming child.

By the end of the day I was feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated because Jack also talked for most of the day, except for the two twenty minute naps he took in the car while we drove Katie's wheelchair to the city.  I hate feeling like that.  I feel like a failure.  I understand it's how my brain works but I wish it didn't.

Five less commonly known symptoms of ADHD in women.

1.  Emotional dysregulation that includes intense mood swings. Difficulty regulating emotions.

2. Verbal processing, talking things out to understand them, often seen as oversharing.  

3. Internalized hyperactivy, racing thoughts, anxiety, internal chaos.

4. Low frustration tolerance, minor setbacks can feel major or feel like defeat.

5. Impulse decision making.

Women often attribute these to a personal flaws, instead of recognizing these as core symptoms of ADHD.  Yep.

Deep breaths.  I took the dogs for a walk in the snow, now it's down to the basement to use the eliptical and lift a few weights.  Hopefully that will help lift the fog in my brain.

 This is one of videos that my hubby copied and saved for me.  Of course I ugly cried when I watched it.

Hubby was cleaning out the garage last week, getting things ready for winter, when he brought down two big plastics bins marked "Mum's mementos".  I asked him to put them in the mud room for me because I wanted to go through them.  The bins must have been sitting up in the rafters for the past eight and a half years, and prior to that, sat in my storage unit at my condo for four years.

I cleaned off the exterior and started going through the bins and the past came flying back to me.  I stored most of mum's knitting that she had done for the kids, old books and artwork that the kids had done at school.  I pulled out sweaters, baby blankets,baby shoes and even a first edition book of my mum's, "Babar The King".

Mum made baby blankets for all my children, actually for all her grandchildren, and for anyone she knew who was having a baby.  She also knit sweaters and hats and mitten for everyone.  She always had knitting on her needles, even when she was dying.  I still have the outfit she made for me to bring my son home from the hospital, over forty years ago.  All my children came home in that outfit.  I washed the outfit, carefully laid it out to dry and then packed it away again.

 

The Cowichan sweater in the top photo, was made by my son's paternal grandmother.  I had forgotten that I had saved it, but I'm so thankful I did.  When I was a young woman, Cowichan sweaters were the thing to have.  Mum even made me one, swearing the whole time she made it.  Sadly, most of the knitted sweaters are too small for Jack already, so I washed everything and put things back in the bin for him when he's an adult, and may or may not have children.  

I talked to my middle daughter, asking if she would want her baby shoes and blankets, she surprised me by saying yes, so I have a pile of stuff to send her.  When I talked to my daughter, she asked if I had all the old family videos.  My ex husband took a lot of videos when the kids were young and at some point had transferred them to CDs.  I told her that I couldn't remember if I had them but would look.  I found them in the first place that I looked, the drawers in my hutch, which also got cleaned out.  

The CDs were sitting on the counter when my husband came home and I told him that I was sending them to my daughter, that I didn't want them anymore.  When I woke up the next morning, he was copying them and cleaning them up, so that I would be able to watch them.  When I saw the video of my young daughters that he was working on, I burst into tears and thanked him.  Not all of the past was bad.

So this past week has been about memories and death cleaning.  

The days are getting shorter and colder, frost every morning now.  There was fog at the dog park this morning when I took the dogs for their run; the fog burned off as the sun rose.

I worked Monday and Tuesday.  My manager called me on the weekend to come in on Monday for a specific patient who had asked for me and I said sure.  The poor young woman ended up in Emerg on Sunday and never did make it in, although I'm not sure that would have changed the outcome.  She has had many appointments to have a central line put in and each time she has cancelled.  The first time I had her, we managed to get her on the table, everything set up, and then when the doc was ready to start, she changed her mind.   She has done this over and over again with everything, including her chemo.  

I knew when I first met her that her personality and mental health challenges would prevent her getting the care she needs, and now, she is palliative.  She's only 39 years old and she's dying, in part because she can't deal with everything.  I understand but I feel so bad for her too.

Yesterday I had a boy really, 24 years old, with inoperable pancreatic cancer.  WTF!  That just kills me.

So this morning I took the dogs out and later today I will make pumpkin shaped cookies for Jack.  Halloween is tomorrow and he's excited about it.

Otherwise not much going on.  I'm meeting a friend on Sunday whose world has fallen apart.  We're going for a long walk in the river valley and I'll listen.  I'm much better at listening than when I was a young woman, back then I had all the answers:)

I saw this somewhere in the past few days and thought it explained so much about the differences between He Who Shall Not Be Named and Harris.

I planted big red two years ago and he/she is living up to their name.  I love red leaves in the fall and we don't get a lot of them here, so I planted a sugar maple and we are both happy with the decision (me and the tree).

I worked three days last week and I was reminded how much I love my patients and how long an eight hour day on your feet is.  The last day, I only worked for six hours and that was much more doable.  More new patients, fewer old patients.  One of my young coworkers told me that she was having a hard time right now because a lot of her favorite patients were dying.  It seems to come in waves but I've learned not to become so attached to my patients.

I did find out this week though, that one of my favorite, old patients just died a couple of weeks ago.  He was literally the poster child for immunotherapy treatment of lung cancer and lived for 12 years with stage 4 lung cancer.  He was funny, rude, and irreverent, and only three years older than me.  I can't believe he's dead and it caught me off guard.

A new patient came in on Monday for a central line; he is a Titanic historian and collector, and has amassed quite the collection from the sounds of it.  He talked through the whole procedure (he's a talker, the kind that keeps talking as you back out of the room) but he's also so lovely and interesting, you don't back out of the room.  He told me he's terminal, and he is.  We both cried a little and I told him to enjoy everyday as much as possible.  I think he will.

There were lots of other patients.  A family doctor with pancreatic cancer.  An old politician with breast cancer. Young men with testicular cancer and one patient who learned how to say "fuck off" in Cantonese from one of my coworkers (that was a surprise and I have a new language that I can swear in now).  It's hard work and I love it.

Jack went to see his psychologist today.  He wanted to know why we were going there and I said, "Well, bad things have happened to you.  Bad things happen to everyone in life, but they happened to you when you were young.  The talking doctor just helps you learn to deal with that stuff."  Jack likes his psychologist, he's got lots of toys in his office.

We chatted about what was going on with Jack and the future.  When Jack had to run to the bathroom, the psychologist said, "Do you think he needs to be assessed for ADHD?"  Ya think?  

We told him that not only do we want Jack assessed, so does the school.  The psychologist's office will do the assessment for us, which is good, and for a lot less than other parents have told me it cost them.  Jack has also been added to my hubby's Blue Cross as of November 1st, as a dependent, so the cost should be completely covered and even if it isn't, it's less than we thought. Yay!

We went out to Elk Island National Park this afternoon for a walk.  It was cool and sunny.  A perfect October day.  Jack had a lot of fun, hunting for zombies (from Minecraft) and avoiding huge mounds of buffalo poop.  He also spent time making swords and digging for coal (also Minecraft).  He ate like a horse and fell asleep within seconds of his head hitting the pillow.  He's doing well.  His life is predictable and stable right now.  We have become his parents.

I worked yesterday and it was busy, even with seven nurses on the floor (normal is four).  As always, I love interacting with my patients, they truly are amazing people.  

I recognized one of the names on the list of patients yesterday.  It's not a common name and I wondered if I knew him.  When I called his name and he stood up, I said, "I know you.", he looked so much like his father.  He looked surprised but when I explained that Brenda (his sister) and I were best friends when we were teens, he vaguely remembered.  He was older than me and Brenda, by nine years so he wasn't home much, and was married probably a year after Brenda and I became friends.  Brenda had three older brothers and what I remember most is that when they had supper, those boys had a plate of potatoes and veg, and then another plate with meat.  They also had the tiniest house, a two bedroom house with six kids.  They had built three bedrooms in the basement and always had a boarder as well.  After the two oldest boys married, Brenda's parents built an addition on the house, a kitchen, which I'm guessing her mom must have loved.

We chatted and caught up and I told him what wonderful people his parents were; they were always kind to me and always welcomed me.  Their house was always a safe place when I was a teen.  I could breathe there, and have fun there.  He even took a photo of me and him and sent it to his sister.  It's a small world.

Not much else going on.  I was talking to my neighbor across the street, whose children go to Jack's school.  My neighbor's oldest has ADHD and autism and she was telling me about something called heavy work.  I had never heard the term, so I looked it up.  Basically, it's about proprioceptive input, which helps calm and organize the brain, and helps calm the body down as well.  Proprioception is the sense that lets us perceive the location and movements of our body parts.  When I looked at the some of the activities, I realized that many of them are already activities that Jack does, on his own.  Perhaps he realizes that he feels better afterwards.  

This morning while Jack was supposed to be getting dressed for school, he was walking around and around my kitchen island, talking and talking, while I did the dishes.  Oh, and he was buck naked.  I leave him when he's like this, he's trying to discharge what probably feels like too much energy.  I also got him to do some pushups.  He wants "abs" and wanted to know if pushups would give him abs.  I assured him they would.  Eventually he got dressed and I took him to school.  

I lifted weights for years, from my twenties to my forties, completely unaware that it was probably helping to calm my body and my mind.  I've always walked and found that so helpful for calming my mind.  I continue to carry heavy things, despite my age, and now I know why.  It helps.  Turns out I'm not to old to learn knew things:)

 

The week in photos.  It was a good week, peaceful.  The dog park, early one morning.

It's been three years since Jack was taken into foster care and came to live with us.  He was so little.  I'm so thankful for the people who called the police and stood up for this little guy.

Hubby and I are in the process of cutting down a large tree that is dying from black knot fungus.  The tree needs to be removed and then burned to stop the spread of the spores.  The tree was big and it's taking some time.

I made a cake yesterday and bought Jack a costume for Halloween. I wasn't sure if he would want to dress up as The Flash but he loved it.  He's always showing us how fast he can run.  "Nana, Nana, watch me run!"  "Nana, Nana, time me, how fast I can run!"

I made a chocolate cake yesterday and when I was making the icing, he wanted to help as well, so he did and then licked the beaters clean.

A once lovely echinacea flower, looking worn out.

I forget where I read this but I liked it, a lot.