Looking east.

I've always had a hard time talking to people, about what I really feel.  I find it hard to organize my thoughts, I'm easily distracted, I wander off on tangents, and if I'm interrupted, I completely forget what I'm talking about.  It's hard.  Add to that the fear, the fear of offending someone, the fear of rejection, the fear of conflict, it's all just hard and usually something I avoid.  

When I was kid I was always told, don't feel like that.  That's what I remember most about growing up, don't feel like that, because what I felt was wrong apparently.  I didn't fit into my family, I felt too much, said too much, I was too much generally.  So many don'ts.

And now I'm sixty-two and I feel less and less that I am too much.  I have ADHD.  I do feel things strongly, I am sensitive, I have a hard time with criticism, I am terrified of rejection, and I have very strong feelings about right and wrong and underdogs.  Being a nurse thickened my skin, taught me to not take everything personally, turned me into an excellent advocate for my patients, and taught me social skills (like listening) that I so desperately needed to learn.

I have ADHD and knowing that helps but I still have an awful time expressing myself verballing.  It takes time for me to organize my thoughts.  I get distracted and overwhelmed during difficult conversations.  I cry, a lot, so I avoid difficult conversations, conversations that need to be had.  I helps to know this about myself, to know that I need to write things out, to get them out of my head, to organize them.

Looking northwest.

My husband is a good man, but he is also an angry man.  He too has a hard time talking about things and I'm sure he's been told many things over the course of his lifetime that have shaped how he feels about himself and his place in the world.  But, we need to figure out how to talk to each other, we need to feel safe with each other.  I can't speak to him that way he speaks to me, he dominates conversations, there is a power imbalance and I end up frustrated; often I just shut down and walk away.  When he believes he is right, he can't hear another side, can't put himself in the shoes of another, can't be wrong.  But things often look so differently if you just turn around and look at things from a different direction.

On the weekend he was rude to my daughter when she woke up.  He said good morning but she wasn't paying attention and didn't hear him or respond, so then he said good afternoon to her and she was offended.  It was 9:30 in the morning, not late, and she felt like she was being criticized for sleeping later on her day off.  She also has MS and is so fucking tired all the time that it makes life hard for her.  He told me it was a joke, but if you're the only one who thinks it's funny, it's not a joke.  When I brought it up later he repeated that it was just a joke and when I mentioned that she feels very sensitive about her MS fatigue he brought up his uncle who had MS, so he knows about MS.  Neither of us "knows" about MS because we have not lived with MS.  Just like people don't know what it's like to raise a disabled child, unless they have raised a disabled a child.  He couldn't accept that somebody saw things differently than he did, couldn't put himself in another's shoes.  I gave up.  I give up a lot lately and just turn away and put another brick in the wall.

He'll be upset by this post, airing our dirty laundry, but I need to get this off my chest.  Life is hard and I want it to get better.  

My daughter and her fiance came for the weekend, for a second Christmas of sorts.  She brought presents for everyone and we had a nice meal.  It even snowed all day Saturday which was lovely.  My son in law to be wanted to see snow and mother nature was kind enough to comply.  My future son in law is a very kind, patient young man and Jack loved hanging out with him.  As well, Katie got to visit with her sister, and flirt with her future brother in law.  My daughter is exhausted from her MS, waiting for one drug to wear off so that she can try a different drug to better control her MS symptoms.  The best part of them being here, was watching them work together as a team.  It was good to see.

I started my pottery class yesterday and it was like starting a new job, I don't know anything, while the three other ladies in the class have experience.  Oh well, on the upside, I don't mind looking stupid anymore and I'm quite willing to ask questions.  I do remember being young though, terrified of looking stupid, hating to ask where everything was.  Age does bring some benefits:)  I did make a plate/bowl and I'm interested to see how it turns out when I'm all finished with it.

Christmas has finally been put away which is lovely.  It's not that I hate having the decorations up, it's the unspoken thought that if the decorations are still up, I still have work ahead of me.  It didn't even take long, maybe an hour, and only one ornament was broken (by me).  

The wildfires continue to burn in LA.  I have a friend there, Elizabeth, who also has a disabled daughter and I worry about them.  I worry about all the people displaced, those who have lost everything, those who have lost loved ones, and those who have lost their livehoods.  What I will never understand is those people who stay in place, not because they can't get out, but because they believe they will be fine.  And those people who can't get out, why is nobody helping them?  Humans continue to baffle me.

Very little is going on here.  The weather has been mild all week and a lot of our snow has melted, leaving behind lots of ice.  I've been out at the dog park a couple of times with just Heidi and have been walking Charlie in our neighborhood.  Yesterday I walked Heidi in the neighborhood too.  We have a small patch of trees and shrubs not far from our house, with a walking pathway.  When Heidi and I got close to it, her fur went up.  I told her not to be silly, it was just the snowplows making strange noises.  We walked a little further into the woods and still her fur was up.  A little further and she started growling.  I looked up and saw a coyote.  We turned around and I ran out of the treed area.  

Heidi is an easy going, gentle dog who never growls, except when there is a predator around.  The first time she did this was up in Jasper.  We had been hiking on a trail and seen a lot of bear scat.  We decided to turn around and then have lunch at one of the picnic tables near the parking lot.  I got our lunch out and Heidi's fur went up, she started growling, and wouldn't take her eyes off the forest. We packed up our lunch and found a different spot to eat, down the road.  We later found out from our friend that there was a grizzly sow there with her cubs.  Another time it was a bear again, but near Ucluelet, BC.  She's a good girl and I told her so.

Otherwise I've been home cleaning, organizing, and doing laundry.  It's a reckless life I realize.

My daughter and her boyfriend arrive this afternoon from Vancouver and I'm looking forward to spending the weekend with them.

Jack is fine, except he talks enough to make my ears bleed.  He's been awfully silly and annoying at bedtime lately, more so than usual.  I read somewhere about something called revenge bedtime procrastination.  It's common in people with ADHD.  We put off going to bed because we finally have time to do something we want to do, it gives us back a little bit of control in our day.  So last night, I didn't get irritated with Jack but realized he just wanted a little bit more time to do what he wants to do, gave him a bit more control, and it helped.  

I know people often hate on social media but the one good thing I find about it, is the feeling that I'm not alone.  So often I read something that someone has written, and realize, it's not just me!  It's a good feeling to have for someone who has felt like an outsider her entire life.

I stopped at a greenhouse yesterday and almost bought another orchid, but left satisfied with just a photo.  The pots for an orchid cost as much as an orchid.  I'll have to look for a cheaper second hand pot before I buy another orchid.

I talked to my daughter yesterday about painting closets and I mentioned I would like to paint my pantry, which led to purging, cleaning and reorganizing of my pantry today.  It's a good job for a cold day.  Unfortunately, one of the bottles that needed to be emptied and thrown out was a bottle of fish sauce.  My whole kitchen now smells like vagina.  The blue and tan striped basket on the bottom shelf of the pantry is the basket I made in my basket weaving class in September.  It works quite well for my onions.

Yesterday I made soap and today I made more clothes washing powder.  Shout out to Debby for giving me the idea of making my own clothes washing powder, very easy, cheaper, and fewer bad chemicals.  I also learned yesterday that I can make soap without heating it up, it's called cold process and is even easier.  I think I'll try that next time.

                       

My middle daughter and her boyfriend are arriving from Vancouver on Friday, for a short visit, which was part of the pantry purging idea.  There are young people that go home to visit their moms, or grandmas, and go through the pantry and fridge to find the oldest best before dates (at least on tiktok).  The oldest best before date I found in there was 2020, so at least this decade:)  I also pulled the fridge and stove and vacuumed behind them.  I feel better when I can see what I've accomplished, and today does it for me.

Just have to walk the dogs, exercise, and make supper.  

Update, I forgot to say that I finally finished Jack's world quilt.  It wasn't hard, I just kept putting it off:)

My orchid has more blooms on it and I've discovered why people like orchids so much, the flowers last for weeks and weeks.  It's been too cold to walk the dogs, or me, so just a photo of orchids.

Winter break is almost over, hurray!  Jack's been pretty good and we've taken him out everyday to get his 90 minutes of exercise in.  Yesterday we went to the swimming pool which also has a wave pool and a lazy river.  We were in the water for almost two hours and I kept a close eye on him, usually within arms reach, as I had to pluck him out of the water a few times.  I was exhausted by the end of it, but we both had a good time.

Today he's gone to a science camp which he was equal parts excited and nervous about.  And then he saw the robotic Rubik's cube solver and he was gone my husband said.  He loves his science, and math.

On New Years day I took him with me to visit his half brother, whom I haven't seen in probably five or six months.  He lives in Edmonton, so there is no excuse, except that his mother, and her family are a hot mess.  Two years ago my son abducted the little boy and brought him to my house and presented him to me like a puppy.  Here, you can raise him, sort of thing.  Oh, and my son was high, the police showed up, it was a shit show.  Since then it's been awkward.

So we drove over there on New Years day with a box of clothes that Jack has outgrown, as well as books and toys.  There are seven people living in a two bedroom, one bathroom house, along with three dogs and two cats, plus some guy with a black eye that bought a tiny puppy off some homeless people the night before.  The TV was at full blast the whole time we were there, with a Denzel Washington movie involving drug dealers, violence, and lots of swearing.  If I sound judgy, I am.  

My grandson, Jack's half brother, is going for an autism assessment at the end of the month.  He's been delayed for a long time.  He doesn't talk, doesn't really make eye contact, likes to be by himself, and while he and Jack played, meticulously stacked up the blocks I had brought for him to play with.  His only stimulation seems to be his tablet.  

I wanted to bring him home with me, like a puppy that needs love and attention.  He has a mother, who struggles but keeps him fed and cared for.  My son, he's nowhere.  He has two children and no contact with either, and definitely no child support.  It's disgraceful.  I kept it together while I was there but when I got home, I had an ugly cry.  

I guess we'll figure something out.  He's going to need enrichment and a quiet place to go as he grows.  I'm still his nana.

Jack is back home after five days with his other family.  He's doing well and we enjoyed having a break from him.  When he came back home last night, he ran to the front door and gave his poppa a big, long hug.

We spent the day at Millenium Place because they have an inflatable obstacle course, a bouncy house, and a bouncy slide.  We also ran into two of his buddies from school which was lovely.  The three of them entertained themselves for a couple of hours, and I got to visit with their grandma.  

It's going to be a busy week with no daycare and lots of exercise needed, indoors, because outdoors is getting too cold again.

One of the dogs is eating Lego and the other is digging dirt out of one of my potted plants, or it could just be one, who knows.

Not much else going on.  Vacuuming, laundry, cooking, and playing board games with a five year old.  Could be much worse and I'm thankful it's not.

Bagheera, or Queen B, has aged into a relaxed monarch, more interested in cuddling at night, and less interested in scaling curtains, or sharpening her claws everywhere.  She and I have had many, many battles over the years, and yet she still chooses to sleep with me which I appreciate.

We survived Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with an excited, hyperactive, extremely vocal five year old, but it wasn't easy.  OMG he was overstimulated.  He still believes in Santa, so far, although I'm going to guess that by next Christmas he will have figured it out for himself.  Christmas morning was lovely for him though.  We opened our gifts on Christmas Eve, he put out milk and cookies for Santa (I just realized we forgot a carrot for the reindeer), and went to bed.

In the morning the milk and cookies were gone, his stocking was filled and there were three gifts under the tree for him from Santa, Hot Wheels and Lego.  In his words it was, "...the best day ever!".

We picked up Katie on Christmas morning, dropped Jack off with his grandma and mama, and drove to West Edmonton Mall for lunch at McDonald's (Katie's Christmas tradition).  Katie is better but still isn't sleeping well, and the mall was noisy and surprisingly busy.  Only a handfull of stores were open, but the skating rink, water park, and movie theatre were all open, so still lots of people.

By the time we got home, I was overstimulated too.  I hate that mall.  I lived near it for almost thirty years and you had to go to the mall to shop (it's always noisy there and usually the two things you want are at opposite ends of the mall), or drive for half an hour.  

Anyway, the dogs have been brushed, the house vacuumed again, the floors washed and two long dog walks happened today.  Tonight hubby and I are going out for supper (Jack is staying with his grandma and mama for five nights).
 

We survived Christmas 2024.  Huzzah!