Yesterday was not a good day.  We took Jack to visit his mother on Saturday.  We went in to Gracie's apartment, it was clean and didn't smell of weed, but Gracie was off.  Her eyes were dull and her affect was flat.  She seemed okay otherwise but something was off.  I texted Gracie's mom and sister to let them know.  Gracie's mom told me that Gracie had been diagnosed with ADHD and was on medication for it; her sister told me the same thing.  Nobody had told me that, just like nobody had told me that Gracie had lost her job, again. I asked both of them the name of the medication, Gracie's mom didn't know and Gracie's sister either didn't know or wouldn't tell me.

Of course it got worse from there.  According to Gracie's sister, Gracie was tired and hadn't put on any makeup.  Gracie is also intimidated by me.  It was really none of my business because Gracie was doing well, her words, not mine.  In the past when Gracie's sister has told us that Gracie is doing well, Gracie has ended up traumatizing Jack and ending up in detox and rehab.

I texted Gracie's sister that I was tired of fucking secrets, I admit my bad, but I don't think it was the use of fucking that offended her as much as the use of the word secrets.  Everything is a secret with that family and I am so tired of it.  

Then Gracie's sister went on because she had been fasting and this was a special day for her and why wasn't I respecting that.  Probably because I didn't know that she had converted to Islam.  Unless you tell people, how can they know?  I'm not a fucking mind reader.  

Then she went on about how much she does, driving back and forth to pick up Jack so that he can visit his mother.  She's been driving her mother's car for the past year, but of course it's a secret about what happened to her car.  Four people are sharing one vehicle, for a year.  

We go to court again next week to decide how to move forward and this past weekend convinced me that we can't move forward yet.  I need some honesty about what's going on with Gracie.  I am placing Jack in her care, I need to know he's safe.  Gracie has a history of abusing prescription and illegal drugs, as well as alcohol.  It's my job to keep him safe, even from his mom.

So there was a lot of crying yesterday.  My hubby was pissed and silent for the rest of the day.  Yesterday was my day to visit Katie and my mood transferred to her, and then that went sideways too.  All in all, a very shitty day.  Probably the worst day since last August when Gracie's mom found Gracie and her drug dealer passed out on her bed, and Jack by himself, again.

So now Jack is acting out because he's stressed and me?  I just want to run away from everything, but of course I won't.  Me dealing with Jack's other family.

It started snowing yesterday and it hasn't stopped snowing.  So far we've had 9 inches and it's supposed to snow all day.  The weather forecasters called for 10-20 cm, but I didn't believe them.  I was wrong.  So far I've cancelled lunch with a friend and bookclub has been rebooked to next month.  I took Heidi to the dog park but the snow was so deep, over my boots, that I did less than half of my normal walk, but I got the same amount of exercise.

I worked yesterday, my last shift as a nurse.  I went in for a four hour shift and realized, it was time to stop.  I emailed my manager with my resignation and about five minutes later she came into reception and said, "You're just going to email me!".  And then she hugged me.  It feels weird but it's not part of my life anymore.  My life has changed and I'm good with the changes.  Retirement was hard to get used to, but I like it now.  I'm busy and enjoy it.  I'll miss my patients but I won't miss watching them get sicker as they die.  I'll miss my friends/coworkers, but I am making new friends.  I'll keep up with the young nurses as best I can.  We're going to have a BBQ in the summer, so I'll get to see some of them then.  It's not like it's a huge department, only six full-time nurses, and one of them lives three blocks from me.  Change is hard but change can be good too.

I've planted zinnias in my kitchen under the grow lights (the candystripe variety that Mary Moon had last summer).  Today I'm also going to plant some dianthus, while I ignore the weather outside.  I also have a romaine lettuce growing under the grow lights, in an effort to avoid buying lettuce from the US in the winter.  Spring will come, it always does.

I'm trying so hard to ignore the news but it's hard.  The fuckery continues.  I listened to Riley Black on CBC yesterday, who has written a book about plants and mass extinctions, "When The Earth Was Green: Plants, Animals, and Evolution's Greatest Romance".  I learned a lot about the evolution of plants but what surprised me the most was that she still has hope, because as she pointed out, the earth had already survived five mass extinctions of plants and animals, and will survive another.  Of course, whether we do or not, is up for debate, but the earth will survive.

The European Union has advised people to stockpile supplies, just in case.  Last week we lost power for about 45 minutes, not long, but it was frustrating and made me think about Ukraine.  I ordered a crank/solar powered radio that same day.  It's the most versatile little radio I've ever seen.  It has a USB port and a port to charge your cell phone, an ultrasonic dog whistle, a flashlight, a radio, and can tune into nearby weather stations.  The only thing it can't do is open cans:)

It's hard not knowing what the future will bring.  I never did know what the future would bring, but when I was younger, I thought I knew.  Now I'm older and realize I have no idea what the world will look like in ten years.  How prolific will Fascism be?  How many wars will have started? 

I will still try to be kind and help others.  I will speak up, but I'm not going to be nasty about it.  It's way to easy to be a nasty troll when you're on social media.  I don't want to be that person.  I want to be better.  

I've done something to my clavicle, or to be more exact, my sternoclavicular joint.  I saw the doc this morning and will have it x-rayed, just not today, tomorrow, because there was an hour long wait today and I'm not that patient, especially at lunchtime.

We seem to be coming to the end of our covid here, thankfully.  Now we're just down to the coughing and the fatigue.  Poor Jack has had it the worst though because his milk still tastes funny and he won't drink it.  That boy loves his milk and it's a "fucking crisis" for him.  He didn't say that, another kid did, but it's apt.

I still have dishes from last night to wash up and then dog walks.  It's supposed to rain/snow for the next couple of days so I want to get out and get some fresh air.

I'm still waiting to find out when my condo will be fixed, post flood, so that I can sell it.  Nobody seems in a hurry whatsoever which is frustrating.  It needs some ceiling replaced and some taping, mudding, and painting to the bathroom, bedroom, and living room walls.  More than I can do.

Things I'm thankful for today.

No offence to my American friends, but I am so thankful I don't live in the US.

Roomba.

Peace and quiet.

Dog walks.

Hugs from the big guy, and the little guy.

My washer and dryer.

Time.

Public health care.

Noticing my triggers with Jack, and realizing that's what they are.

A very good night's sleep.

A very comfortable (new) bed.

What are you thankful for today?

The photography course is paying off, it gets me outside and taking photos again.  Of course it helps that spring is here too.  These little chickadees are so tame that they will eat right our of your hand.

All of us are continuing to drag our butts around, nobody really sick anymore, but nobody feeling great either.  I think we had Covid again.  I thought we were just sick but then Jack said everything tasted funny, and now he can't really taste anything.  None of us had much in the the way of fevers, just low grade fevers, but we all were very congested and coughed up a lot of crud from our lungs.  The worst was the fatigue.  It's been a long two weeks but we're on the mend.

Nothing but bad news out of the US, Ukraine, and Gaza.  Putin seems to enjoy moving trump around like a puppet.  I suppose it would be funny if so many lives weren't at stake.  Poor trump believes himself to be such a master negoitator, while Putin just runs circles around him.  Both elon and trump are in way over their heads and really don't seem to understand the seriousness of the situation.  Or maybe they just want more money and don't give a flying fuck about anything else.  They seem to be looting the country, or at least making a divestment.  When it's political, it's usually called a coup, but these morons only want the money it seems.

I try not to think about it, but of course it's everywhere.  

Mostly I feel "meh".

I found/stole a good joke, that is short enough for me to remember and isn't dirty, a work joke as it were.

Charlie and his golden eyes.  He's such a sweet dog, afraid of almost everything but so sweet.  He weighs 65 pounds and he's a afraid of everything:)

It's been a long week already.  I'm still not feeling 100% and I'm coughing up lots of crud, so that's fun.  Jack's been having a hard time too, two major meltdowns in one week, screaming and crying kind of meltdowns.  The last meltdown lasted 45 minutes.  He hasn't been like this for a long time, so I asked his aunt if his mom had been telling him crap.  Turns out she hasn't, which is really good.  She misses him and he misses her, which is really good.  

Jack also said that he wished he was in heaven which felt like a knife to the heart, but it turns out he and his aunt were talking about grandpa in heaven.  She told Jack that it's a magical place where grandpa can do whatever he wants, so the both of us are guessing that's where the wish he could go to heaven is all about and not death.  That was a relief.

She also said that last time Jack visited his mom he hung onto her for five mintues saying goodbye, to me that means he misses her.  So yesterday when I picked him up from daycare, I asked Jack if he would like to spend more time with mama and he said yes.  He's old enough to have input now and he can also tell us if things are going wrong.  We'll start out with one night for six months, and see how things go.

I also told Jack's aunt that I want to know if Gracie is attending AA, if she is sober, and if she is on any medications.  I'm sure Gracie will see this as none of my business, but it is my business because I'm a guardian.  If I was sick, I would let Gracie and her mom know.  If things changed in our household, I would let them know.  Whether we like it or not, we're stuck together as an ersatz family.

Hubby has agreed with the plan going forward, and I feel better about it too.  I have no desire to stop Jack and Gracie being together, but we need to keep Jack safe too.  Jack seems happier knowing he'll see his mom more.  

I went to my pottery class yesterday and glazed most of my creations.  The pot below is my new orchid pot and when it's fired, the glaze will be blue, with another colour around the upper edge which I can't remember.  I found the glazing to be stressful again, even though I knew what to expect.  It feels like blind painting, or maybe colourblind painting.  I knew a bit more this time though, and I tried some different things which stressed me out.  I let it go.  Pottery is organic and mistakes are incorporated into the piece.  Wabi-sabi.  It's good practice for me, the letting go.

 

I made a little candle holder with a bee on it and honeycombs. I'll fill it with beeswax and have a candle.  It looks terrible right now but it's supposed to turn out a golden brown.  Fingers crossed.  As you can see, the glaze looks reddish and when it drips on the floor, it looks like blood (I'm a nurse and one of the other ladies is a nurse/paramedic).  It has iron oxide in the glaze, which is what makes it look like blood, and the iron acts as a flux (which promotes the formation of glass in the glaze).  Glaze also contains silica which makes the clay and the glaze, hard and strong.  Who knew?

As I type, I start to feel better.  I've written two posts in the last couple of days which were sad.  But writing this stuff out, it gives me hope.  One of my biggest fears is that Jack will turn out just like his dad, despite everything, and that fills me with dread.  I know he's not his dad, but I also know I have a finite number of days left on this planet and I really don't want to get to the end of my days and realize that it was all for not.  I guess we all want that, don't we?

I printed up this prayer for myself, to remind myself that not only am I imperfect, but that I can forgive myself and others, for being imperfect.

I bought another orchid last weekend, couldn't resist the pink flowers and it was cheap.  We've all been sick this past week with nasty bug, lots of congestion, coughing, and generally feeling like shit.  My husband was the last to catch it and came home from work sick yesterday.  Jack is of course all better now and full of energy.  We handed out his birthday invitations at daycare this morning and I'm sure he'll be overstimulated for the next month, thinking about and planning his birthday party.  Fun.

It's snowing today and we're supposed to get 10-20 cm.  It's not terribly cold out, so I can still walk the dogs and enjoy the snow falling.  As I sit here typing, I just saw a huge flock of Bohemian Waxwings swirling about.  The Canadian geese have made an appearance which means spring is truly on its way.

I ended up getting lost in old photos on my computer.  I chose the best of Jack and will have them printed off, for his photo album.  Yes, I still have an old school photo album because I like turning the pages, and it will be something for him when he's grown, and my computer files have all disappeared.

I found this old photo of me and my first dog. I would have been ten or eleven at most.  

I was going to write more about the manosphere, something I just learned about today, but I'm tired of sitting at my computer now.  Have a good day everyone.

One of the bowls I made in pottery class, glazed and done.  I'm using it as a fruit bowl on my kitchen island.  It turned out better than I expected.

And below is the first soap dish that I made.  The second was an improvement, but that hasn't been glazed yet.

I'm not feeling 100% today.  No fever, but my body hurts and I'm congested.  I've had a sore right shoulder and neck for the past month and it's not getting better.  I've been putting heat packs on it, stretching, and taking advil but it's not going away.  I even had a massage and that didn't help either.  I should probably see a physio but it seems like too much effort to make an appointment and go there right now.  Maybe tomorrow.

Last week I bought some shelves for my front window, so that I have more room for plants.  The cat is too old now to bother with my plants and Heidi doesn't need her crate anymore because she's stopped chewing things.  When we got rid of the crate, I realized I could move the couch and have room for shelves.  Yay.

Back in January I bought myself a new bed frame and headboard and it was finally delivered last week.  On the weekend, hubby and I put it together and I no longer need the crappy old boxspring.  We brought it downstairs and Jack proceeded to make a fort out of it.  I told him that he could have the fort for four days, because I can only take so much disruption in my life sadly.

He loved making his fort more than actually spending time in it.  Today it comes down.

I'm too tired to deal with the general fuckery today.  Suffice it to say that the fuckery continues.