Botanical Beach on Vancouver Island.
I saw my counselor today. I feel much better and I'm working on speaking my mind, instead of holding it inside and just being pissy, but I am a work in progress. One of things she said is how much compassion I have for others and I kind of squirmed in my chair a little.
I don't think of myself as an overly compassionate person. I just assume that most people feel like me. It's like when we're kids, you just assume that all families are like yours, except I haven't grown out it, maybe. I have always been told that I'm too angry. I'm impulsive and have a very short fuse. I hate to see injustice, it makes me very angry. I had an alcoholic ex-husband and a severely disabled daughter, so yes I was often overwhelmed and angry. But even before Miss Katie was born, I was an angry young woman.
I hated out my dad treated my mum and our whole family. I saw how angry my dad was and tried on the angry armor and found it to be an effective form of protection. Except it keeps everyone away.
My best friend broke up with me after being friends for thirty plus years because I was "too angry". I as a pain in the ass at work because I always put patients first, even if it angered others. I have strong beliefs about what's right and wrong that not everyone shares apparently.
So I saw myself as an angry woman, not a compassionate woman. But I was compassionate. I hate to see suffering and I do try my best to alleviate the suffering of another. I try to put myself in their shoes to see things from their perspective which can be confusing and confounding at times. I wonder if part of my anger was my own disappointment in myself because I know that I caused pain to others by my actions. Hmmmm.
And now that I know about autism and ADHD, I better understand both myself, Katie, and my other two children. I can see how much I struggled, and I can see how much all of my children struggled within our family. Katie broke me and I stayed broken for a long time. Katie needed much more care than my other two kids, so they got less. I tried, my god I tried, to make it not so, but it was. My other two got the angry, overwhelmed scraps that were leftover after I took care of Katie. I wish it could have been different but I did the best that I could.
I'm sure you did better than you think. It must be hard when one child has a lot of needs, and what else can you do but do your best.
ReplyDeleteI think I need to figure out how to forgive myself.
DeleteI had a violent alcoholic husband as you know and I went from being a happy-go-lucky soul to an angry shell of myself which took years to get over (if I ever did). In your case, add in Katie's problems I'm not surprised you were angry!! I know for a fact you've done so much more than I ever could have!
ReplyDeleteIt changes people, doesn't it? I need to forgive myself, somehow.
DeleteYou were put, through no fault of your own, in an untenable no-win situation. You had to take care of Katie, which already put you on overload. Through no fault of yours or theirs, your other two had to manage with less. That's often the way it is in families. In your case, it was extreme whereas in mine, it's meant that one daughter has needed me more at a particular crisis moment. I've always kept in mind that anger is a secondary emotion, so when I feel it, what am I actually dealing with? Hurt? Fear? Powerlessness? I'm glad you're feeling better, my friend. Keep on keeping on!
ReplyDeleteI've never thought of anger like that, as a secondary emotion but you're right. What's under that anger? Lots of sadness for me:)
DeleteAll anyone can do is their best. And I know that you did. Looking back on my life with my own three kids, I usually see all the mistakes I made before I remember the good times. I guess that's how my brain works. I understand what you mean about forgiving yourself, it isn't always easy. I am glad you felt better after your counseling session.
ReplyDeleteI'm liking this counselor. She has a Dutch husband and she worked in health care for many years. She's also kind.
DeleteThanks Mary. I don't give myself enough credit. Raising Jack in contrast, although it hasn't been easy, has been a cakewalk compared to raising Katie.
ReplyDeleteThere is a difference in ignoring the needs of your children and being overwhelmed by more than a person can handle. Add the alcoholic into it and, well, it's a lot. Have compassion for yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm learning. Thanks Sandra.
DeleteHindsight isn't always 20/20!
ReplyDeleteWe ask so much of ourselves and then feel like failures when we arent or weren't perfect. FUCK THAT.
Thanks Kate. You made me smile.
DeleteWhat you describe here is, I think, happening to many (most?) women of our generations. We put ourselves down, we turn our harder, courageous, unsmiling sides into monstrosities, we struggle with it and somewhere a nasty fairy whispers, be kind, be mellow, be womanly. Such crap. You had reasons to be angry, you struggled, you tried to cope and sometimes you failed. Welcome to the club. Don't put yourself down. We are many.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sabine. You made me smile too.
DeleteI do not profess to know you except through your blog which I have been reading for a few years now. To me you come across as a very strong person that has not been handed an easy life. Even strong people need help, validation that they are doing the right thing and need to hear this from others. I can relate a small amount with you dealing with Katie when she has to be in the hospital or changes in her routine, not feeling well and not understanding it all. My mom suffers from demintia and I have spent time with her in the hospital trying to leave, no understanding why she is even there and getting violent with me when she is mad at me for something totally out of my control. It is hard to deal with even though you know in your brain that they cannot help it but it still wears you down and it is hard not to take it personal. I hope you can discuss with your counseler on ways to forgive yourself and believe that you have and continue to know you are doing the best you can for your daughter and grandson.
ReplyDelete