Before and after.

We now have a functional sink and vanity that gives us storage and that Jack can easily reach.  I also moved the mirror that I bought in Alma, New Brunswick into the bathroom, because it's so pretty and now I can see it everyday.  The little outhouse up on the shelf, I bought at Wells Grey Park in BC years ago, seemed like a good fit for a bathroom.  There is still more painting to be done but I need my thumb back working before I can do it.  Turns out I use my left hand a lot when I paint.

I went to my last pottery class yesterday, this session is now over.  It was a glaze day and god only knows how my pieces will turn out.  It's always kind of a crap shoot still when it comes to glaze for me.  I tried some underglazes but was not overly impressed with them.  I put antique white glaze over the underglaze and it changed the colour of the underglaze.  Next time I'll use clear glaze.  Live and learn.  These two mugs turned out okay but with this glaze you can't see the pattern on the mugs; my mug building abilities are improving though, and the sun is shining.

My thumb is improving but I can't bend it.  Time, it just needs time to heal.

I was just listening to CBC, The Current, and the host and his guests were talking about the rise of ADHD diagnoses and stimulant prescriptions, especially among women.  It's strange and sad looking back at a lifetime of poor impulse control, an inability to organize my work time, an inability to regulate my emotions, and being so very sensitive to rejection and the emotions of everyone.  I know I'm smart but still I remained a floor nurse, not that there's anything wrong with that, but I couldn't cope with being a charge nurse and I knew that.  I did do it sometimes, but I hated it.  There was always so much going on at the desk that I couldn't concentrate and I was terrified of making a mistake.

Even now I have a hard time when I am interrupted, and it's becoming more difficult as I age to return to what I was doing prior to the interruption.  I get snappy, in part because it's disrespectful to me to interrupt what I'm doing, but also because I know it will take me twice as long to do what I'm trying to do because now I have to stop, reorient myself, and then restart.  I'm trying to teach Jack this, "Stop interrupting nana because it will take me twice as long to do this."  I am having limited success:)

I ended up in diagnostic imaging which was a blessing I think.  My tasks were well defined and I could experience success often during the day by completing a task.  And success led to praise which helped me feel like I belonged, that I was needed, that I mattered.  Parenting and marriage to my first husband certainly never gave me that kind of feedback, the opposite really.  I didn't matter.  Nothing that I did mattered.  I felt like a complete failure as a parent which breaks my heart because I wanted to be a mother so badly.  I wanted to be a good wife as well but that takes two.  I guess parenting does too.  

And so I worry about parenting another generation.  My husband and I try so hard with Jack and he is so hard to care for sometimes.  We have tools now to deal with his outbursts, with his near constant pacing, with his constant talking, but it's still hard.  He's on medication which has helped him but I am still impulsive, poorly organized, and have difficulty regulating my emotions.  I'm better than when I was a young woman, but still it's a struggle for me and for my husband.

Anyway, that's what I'm worrying about today.  Stay tuned for more worries:)