Edmonton river valley looking south.  It's cold today, really cold, and I'm grumpy.  I've always thought that January is far too long and dark.  I imagine that people have felt the same way about winter for thousands and thousands of years.  Nothing new here.  I have it pretty easy compared to the people that lived in Alberta 11,000 years ago, even 100 years ago.  I have central heating, groceries, running hot and cold water, vaccines to prevent diseases, medications, and a vehicle with heated seats, but I still hate the cold and feel stuck.  I always feel stuck in January.  

This is my back yard and the poor sun trying to drag it's ass over the horizon, half an hour after I put Jack on the bus.  Heidi is a hardy soul and can stand the cold much better than Charlie.

I'll live.  Or as mum used to always say, "Fool 'em and live."  I have no idea where she first heard that.

So today will be working on the quilt.  I'm almost done the top cover for it, then I'll choose a backing fabric for it and send it off to the quilters.  I would like to give it to my other grandson, as Jack's doesn't seem interested in it and I've not made anything for my other grandson, ever.  He'll be five this summer, Jack will be seven in April.  The interesting thing about getting older is that you can look back over such a long period of time.  You can see patterns that have formed, and you know that things always change.  Nothing is forever.

I had another x-ray done on the lump on my clavicle and it's nothing, so I'm glad about that.  I think that's been bothering me.  I worry about dying before Jack has finished growing up.  My blood pressure is up, mum had hypertension and I have it too.  The doctor sent me home with instructions to measure my blood pressure four times a day to see if it's time to put me on anti-hypertensives.  All of the anti-hypertensives have side effects which I would prefer to avoid, but a rock and a hard place.

I went to pottery yesterday and enjoyed myself as always.  I worked on a casserole dish but I'm not satisfied with it and may make another one.  I'll decide next week.  I also made a delicate little vase.  I'm not sure it'll hold up to firing and glazing.  Practice.  Practice failing.  

Jack wants to know why he has to read everyday after school and I told him because we all need to practice things if we want to get better at them.  His reading is amazing compared to where he was in September but he is still learning.  He's doing very well in math and he gets lots of opportunities to practice dealing with his anger on the bus and the on the playground.  He gives me lots of opportunities to practice with my own anger as well.  

I think I've known I have ADHD since my son was diagnosed more than thirty years ago, but I didn't realize how much ADHD had affected my own life.  I didn't understand how distracted and distractable I was, or how easily I became overwhelmed and angry, or why I couldn't stick to anything.  I felt a lot of shame.  I thought if I could just figure something out, then I would be fine.  I read a lot of self help books looking for answers, a lot.  I went to counsellors and even tried hypnosis. Nothing helped.  Medication might have helped but it was never offered and I didn't understand why it would have helped.  I wanted so badly to be a good person, a calm person, a better person.  I was ashamed of how easily I became overwhelmed and didn't even understand that I was overwhelmed.  I thought I was deficient because I couldn't do what others seemed to be able to do so easily and so much better.  I didn't understand why I was so contrary and I hated being that way, even as I continued to be like that.

There is a lot of self hate and shame that goes along with ADHD and I don't want Jack to feel like that for the rest of his life.  And even as I write this, I know how many times a day I tell him to slow down, to focus, to stop being who he is because he is so exhausting to me and once again I feel shame and a sense of failure.  Having ADHD and parenting someone with ADHD is an endless circle of anger, regret, and shame.  

The course we took in the fall helped with those feelings.  It was good to hear from other parents who felt the same way and I think I might reach out to a couple of those moms.  We all need support.

It's done!

Update.  For some reason blogger won't let me reply to comments.  Bah!