Charlie finally got to go for a walk. Happy boy.
I came across this the other day on Instagram and made so much sense to me. It's from Thomas Kossak.
Why ADHD brains resist being told what to do (ADHD & demand avoidance explained)
The moment someone tells you to do something...you suddenly can't do it.
Yes, this is real. For many people with ADHD, being told what to do causes instant resistance. Not because they disagree, but because something shuts down inside.
It's not laziness or attitude. From the outside it looks like defiance, immaturity, or stubbornness. From the inside it feels like pressure, panic, mental block, and loss of control. This is neurological, not intentional.
ADHD is interest-based. ADHD brains work when something feels chosen, interesting, meaningful, or self-directed. The second it becomes a demand, dopamine drops and motivation disappears.
Being told what to do can feel like criticism, control, failure, and rejection. Even if the words are neutral, the nervous system reacts first.
"I was about to do it...until you said it." This is one of the most common ADHD experiences. You planned to do it. You agreed with it. But once it was demanded- your brain said no.
Shame makes it worse. ADHD adults already carry guilt, and feelings of being overwhelmed and being behind. Being told what to do adds shame and shame kills dopamine. No dopamine=no action.
This is called demand avoidance and is often linked to ADHD, rejection sensitivity, burnout, trauma, and chronic masking. It's not a diagnosis, it's a pattern.
What actually helps ADHD brains is choice instead of commands, collaboration instead of pressure, and curiosity instead of control.
I read this and so many of my decisions made so much more sense. I often tell my husband I am contrary, and apparently I am. It felt good reading this. I felt seen and even more importantly, I felt like it wasn't just me. Feeling unique isn't all it's cracked up to be, in my opinion. Unique feels lonely and isolating to me, I'd rather be part of a tribe. I think we all would rather be part of a tribe.
Part of my tribe.
Happy New Year to everyone!
Yes to nervous system knowledge and to that tribe feeling! The pic says it all. Happy new year.
ReplyDeleteIn another life I would have been a neurologist:) Happy new year!
DeleteHappy New Year! This explains my resistance to doing even what I've decided on!
ReplyDeleteMe too. It explains so much for me.
DeleteIt's a good thing that ADHD is getting more understood these days. I know nothing about it, so this is all very illuminating. Jack looks cozy in front of the fireplace! Haha, I think we all have that one too.
ReplyDeleteHe had a good Christmas, even if he was the only kid in the house.
Delete"From the inside it feels like pressure, panic, mental block, and loss of control. This is neurological, not intentional."
ReplyDeleteYes. Jack is fortunate to have you, an understanding and compassionate member of the tribe, in his life. I see an abundance of love in your photo. Loved and loving.
"Beyond all reason is the mystery of love: you know we are all equal, no one in truth needs any help from anyone else, no one needs to be told anything or given anything—and then you do the most compassionate act anyway, do the best for your brothers and sisters that you have in you. I'm relaying what was given to me when I felt I needed it: if I felt that way, maybe someone else does, too. This is a letter to my brothers and sisters, a love note to try to show how, when we thought love wasn't working, it was working perfectly.
-- Thaddeus Golas
"...do the best for your brothers and sisters that you have in you." I like this. It's a wonderful reminder. Thank you Amanda.
DeleteI wonder if this has anything to do with my love of being alone. No one there to tell me what to do. Or ask me to do anything. Just...my own interests.
ReplyDeleteNah. I'm probably just selfish.
You're about as far away from selfish as anybody I can think of. You like to be alone because you feel safe when you're alone, nobody can hurt you if nobody is there . You've been hurt enough in your life sweetie. As my young friend at work would say, you do you.
DeleteHappy new year, look at that tall boy!
ReplyDeleteHe's growing so much. It feels fast and slow at the same time. Have a happy new year too Sabine.
DeleteJack looks so tall! My son-in-law is much like you in rebelling against being told what to do. It's been a bit of an issue on his previous jobs.
ReplyDeleteI don’t like being told what to do either! And I can be extremely self-motivated. Thank you so much for the pictures, and for the explanation.❤️
ReplyDeleteCheerful Monk
DeleteJack really has grown! I'm very happy that we do not do New Year's Eve. The drivers around here are crazy enough during the day, I don't want to be out late with people who have been drinking.
ReplyDeleteHe's getting so big:)
DeleteI have no desire to go out anymore. It was raining and freezing here last night, a good reason to stay off the roads.
That's something I was quite unaware of. It is good to understand what is happening in people's minds when they have ADHD.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year Pixie.
I didn't know either Andrew. It helps to be able to understand both myself and others.
DeleteThis is excellent! I must share it with my daughter.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing either your daughter has ADHD, or one of her children does:) Happy New Year Colette.
Delete2026 ... onward and upward and, hopefully, far better than last year!
ReplyDeleteLet's hope it's better. I shall try to do my best to make it better for myself and my family.
DeleteI don't have ADHD but I don't take orders well. I'm so pleased for your getting answers. This makes sense.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of people don't like to be told what to do. I know my husband doesn't like it.
DeleteAn interesting assessment of ADHD brains..we are all different, but that did strike a chord. Thanks for blogging that . ( Hi via John Going Gently's blog)
ReplyDeleteWelcome. I spent ten weeks this past fall attending a skills course for parents and children with ADHD and I learned a lot which has been very helpful.
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