As promised, my new fruit bowl, complete with bubble glaze.  I love the colour and the size.  It will sit on my kitchen counter.  As you can see, my photo and kitchen are not curated, dirty dishes, empty dog food can and my kitchen scrubber.  I couldn't be arsed (as John Grey would say) to tidy up before I took the photo.  The world will survive.

I just read 37 Paddington's blog post in which she realized that one day she will be dead and all the things she worries about will cease to matter.  She wondered if it was a healthy thought and I would have to say, extremely healthy.  I'm not sure I know how to do it, but letting go of things that I have no control over would save me hours of not sleeping, upset stomachs, fits of weeping, and just generally feeling sad.

I tried to book Jack's covid vaccination and it turned into a shit show complete with me having a small breakdown, screaming (inside my house), crying, and taking a very energetic walk (which Charlie enjoyed a great deal).  A friend tried to comfort me and I hung up on her.  When I calmed down, I called her back.  I realized that I was feeling helpless and it was very unpleasant.  It didn't seem to matter what I did, I could not protect my grandson.  He has asthma, a flu and covid vaccination are important for him, but it didn't matter.  Again, helpless, frustrated, and angry as hell.  I felt like nobody cared what I wanted or needed, I felt unheard.

Jack and I went to his resiliency class yesterday afternoon and I was so surprised to find my husband standing waiting for the elevator when we got there.  He had ducked out of work early.  The class involves talking about our emotions, naming our emotions (when you name it, you can tame it).  We also talk about our own temperments and how that affects how we parent, as well as active listening.  The children are in a different class and also learn about their emotions and about how to handle problems like being teased.  They are given tools and taught how to use them.  I can't say enough good things about this program and the people who run it.

The other day when my husband picked Jack up from his camp, he took him to the skateboard park to have some fun and exercise.  Jack asked if poppa had brought his skateboard and poppa said no, just your scooter.  Jack told his poppa that he was disappointed.  My husband's buttons were pushed (we all have them, don't we?)  My husband was frustrated.  He had tried to do a good thing and his grandson was disappointed with him.

When my husband told me all this, I turned it around and said Jack had done such a good job with naming his emotion and feeling safe enough to share it with his poppa.  Poppa is not a disappointment, something he did disappointed someone but of course we bring our baggage with us.  I'm guessing my husband has often felt like a disappointment to his family, god knows I have.  But my husband is a good man and he is trying to be a better man and that's what really matters.

I know it's hypocritical of me to say things like that because I have always felt like a disappointment, to my family, to my ex-husband, to my children, to friends, and even to myself.  But you know what?  I am not a bad person.  I am a person who is doing their best, trying to do better.

Yesterday at the class we were talking about emotions and I mentioned the shit show with the covid vaccine booking and how I didn't realize why I was so angry until much later.  When I was growing up, when I was married to my ex-husband, I was often told, don't feel that when I expressed how I was feeling.  I was told that so often that I stopped understanding how I felt, stopped naming how I felt, and instead just sank below the waves of my emotions, unable to understand why or how I was feeling.  I was adrift.

But I'm learning.  I'm sixty-three and I'm still learning how I feel and why I feel the way I do.  I imagine I'll be doing this work until the day I die and I'm okay with that.  It's better than the alternative, going through life unaware of what's going on inside of me, or why it's happening, just reacting.

And as I'm doing this work, I'm giving myself hope that Jack will better understand himself too.  That he'll succeed in ways I never could.