The big guy pointed out to me that part of my rut is getting stuck in the negative and he's right.  He suggested I try writing about the good.

In nine days I'm marrying my sweetest friend.  The photo above is where we're getting married.  When the big guy and I first started dating he was shocked to find out that I'd never been to Jasper; I'd been through Jasper many times but had never stayed there.  Pyramid Lake was one of the first places he took me.  There's an island on Pyramid Lake that you get to by a walking bridge and it's on that island that will we say our vows. 

When you're on the island we can see our two favorite mountains, Mount Edith Cavell and Pyramid Mountain.  The first few visits I fell in love with the island and we said that if/when we got married, that it would be on the island.  Next weekend, that will happen in front of our friends and children and granddaughter.

I love the big guy with my whole heart.  He accepts me as I am, hurts, baggage, past, everything.  I don't disappoint him.  He doesn't want me to be anything other than who I am.  He listens to me.  He sees me.  He knows me and still loves me.  He is steadfast and loyal.  He's smart and funny and kind.  He has a heart of gold that he tries to hide sometimes but I always see it, shining. 

I am thankful for our life together and I'm so happy to be marrying him.

This is our song.

   

One of the big guy's photos.

I'm supposed to be taking a break from work today, a day to relax, but still I worry.  I was raised on worry, taught it at a young age by my mother and my father, fed a daily diet of it for many years.  The world is not a safe place.  Bad things happen.  Don't think that.  Don't be like that.  How should I be?  Is it wrong to be me?

Worry has carved deep ruts into my brain and my heart, ruts that sometimes I can't climb out of without help.  The worry serves no purpose but it is so familiar.  I wear it like a familiar old jacket.  It fits my body, although of late it feels too tight, restrictive even.  I recognize it's smell and the feel of it against my skin. 

I breathe.  I tell myself to breathe.  In and out, that this will help.  I try.  Breathe in, breathe out and fall back into a rut.  My brain races.  I snap. I feel irritated for no good reason.  I breathe in, breathe out.  I want out of these ruts.

I'm rereading a very good book, "Becoming The Kind Father" by Calvin Sandborn.  Although he is talking about men, his idea of a kind parent resonates with me.  I am not kind to myself.  I beat myself up.  I have a nonstop reel inside my head that tells me shit and pushes me back into those ruts. 

Who the fuck convinced me that I was such an awful person?  That's what I want to know.  And why?  Why did they do that?  Or was it just me?  Did I convince myself that I was this awful person?

I look around and wonder how others do it.  How do they get through life?  What do they tell themselves?  Would it work for me?  Is it even me?





 

Things I'm thankful for today.

I feel better.
Much better.
Amazing cloud formations this summer.
A long walk with the big guy and the dog.
Homemade pizza.
Getting married in two weeks, oops I mean three weeks.
Got off work early today and went shopping. 
Reading a good book.
Reading in general.  I can't imagine not being able to read.
Kindness from others.
Bad jokes.
Hugs.

What are you thankful for today?