I couldn't sleep last night, couldn't write, couldn't put a paragraph together, couldn't not think about the general fuckery in the world.  I know I am lucky.  I don't live in Ukraine or Gaza, my home is not being bombed or reduced to rubble and I am very thankful for that.  But I do live in a country that borders on the US which is now being run by ignorant monsters, and it worries me.  

Canada is small, population wise.  We make up 0.5% of the world's population and come in 37th in the world for population.  The US is the 3rd largest country in the world, by population.  We are small and and as a result, our economy is small.  This morning 25% tariffs on all Canadian goods (except oil, that's only 10%) were instituted by the US.  Overnight our friend and ally, our major trading partner, has turned on us, in an effort it seems, to destroy our economy.  trump will destroy his own economy in the process but is sadly too stupid to understand that.  And the people running the show, the billionaires, we need to call them what they really are, oligarchs, will not really be affected by any of this, except maybe to pick up more businesses at rock bottom, going out of business prices.

There is little I can do about this.  I can and will boycott American made and produced products as much as possible, but as you can see by the numbers, Canada is only a small blip in the grand scheme of things.  There are a lot of things we don't manufacture here, why would we, when the US produces them, but Canadians are banding together to find locally made and Canadian made products.  

But enough about trump and his twats.

I start a photography course this evening, my husband bought it for my Christmas gift.  I'm quite nervous about it because it's the technical side of photography which I know virtually nothing about.  I have to look at my camera manual for god's sake!  For those of you who don't know, I have ADHD and manuals and me just have a hard time.  Nursing school was no different for me.  I learn best by watching and doing, so I'm hoping for a lot of that, plus I'll ask lots of questions (Mary I'm looking at you).  Once the first class is over, I'm sure I'll feel better.  I'll have a better understanding of what's expected of me.  The unknown is always scary.  See above.

I'm hard at work in my pottery classes.  We have two more classes for making things, and then the last two classes are for glazing.  I'm going to take the same class again for the spring session.  We have such a lovely, young instructor.  She's kind, encouraging, and full of ideas.  I made my second slab vase yesterday and it was so much easier and better looking than the first one I made.  Improvement is satisfying.  The women in the class are lovely and encouraging too, and we talk which I love.

I've been stress cleaning which is good, at least the house will be clean.  When I can't control anything else in the world, my bathroom will be clean.  I'm also off to Ikea to buy a shelving unit for my front window.  Heidi no longer needs to be crated (she used to chew everything but has stopped) and I have more room in the living room which means the couch doesn't have to be up against the window and I can put some plants there.  Plants make me happy and I need some more happy right now.  

The world is too distressing right now.

Oak leaf caught in ice.

 Fungi of some sort.

Heidi at the dog park.

That's all I got.

I made this wall hanging for a friend at work, The Princess and the Pea.  I was inspired by a similar one made by Kate's mother, over at Stubblejumpers Cafe.  I think I'll make myself one too.

I'm still feeling down and then realized the date.  My mum died on February 25, 2013.  I still cry sometimes when I think about her and what the last year and a half of her life were like.  It wasn't easy for her or for me.  Mum died of a massive stroke, which is what she wanted.  She was terrified of ending up in a wheelchair and dependent on others to take care of her.  The last time she went into the hospital, she could still walk.  She was admitted on a Friday, had a stroke on Sunday, and died on Monday.  

I loved my mum.  She could be manipulative, in the nicest way possible, but she was a good mum.  I inherited her excellent sense of humour.  My aunt told me a story about the day my mum and dad got married.  One of my aunts was late to the wedding and came in part way through the ceremony.  My aunt had bought new shoes for the wedding and they squeaked as she walked into the church and found herself a seat.  My mum's shoulders started visibly shaking as mum silently laughed during her wedding ceremony, because of her sister's squeaky shoes.

Mum didn't have an easy life.  Dad was angry a lot of the time.  They lost five babies between me and my sisters.  She moved to a new country to be with my dad after the war. She missed her family in England and didn't see them again for almost twenty years.  She was not "allowed" to work outside the home by dad, once he made enough money to cover the bills.  She came from an upper middle class family in England and ended up living in what could be called a shack when she arrived.  I think that dad spent the rest of his life trying to afford nicer things for her.  Mum was also a beautiful woman and I think dad knew he was "punching above his weight class".

Most of all mum could laugh.  I still have her rubber chicken that someone gave her.  She loved jokes and she even loved dirty jokes, although she would say, "Oh Pixie."  I don't think mum knew what to do with me.  I coloured outside the lines and didn't always follow the rules.  I don't know if she was proud of that, horrified, or jealous.  She was a woman of her time, born in 1924.  

Mum taught me to laugh, she taught me to knit, and garden, and best of all, she taught me to love walking.  When my kids were little, and the weather was decent, we would all bundle up and go for walks with her.  Her father had four girls, a disappointment for him, I'm sure, but every Sunday, he would take one of them with him on his long walks.  So I guess I can thank my grandfather, whom I never met, for my love of walking too.

Mum holding me in 1962.

RIP mum.

This is the vase that I made in my pottery class.  I'm still waiting for the rest of the things that I made to be fired.  It turned out much better than I expected it to.  I like the colour and the leaves on it, and I was feeling pretty good until one of my classmates came in late and broke down crying.  Her brother had died in an accident on the weekend and she was a mess.  We held her, hugged her, and then another classmate and I drove her home as she was in no shape to drive.  I was feeling shaken up too by the time we got back to class, and the feeling lingered.

I talked to my middle daughter on Sunday and she is having a hard time with her MS.  She had to go off one medication because it wasn't working, but she can't start a new medication until they're sure all of the old drug is out of her system (involves bloodtests).  In between the two medications, she is so tired she can barely make it through the day and her brain fog is awful.  I wanted to reach through the phone and hug her.  Next week she is going to Palm Springs to visit her auntie for a week, so hopefully that will be a good respite for her.

And poor Miss Katie seems to be on a downward trajectory again.  She beat herself up on Sunday and then again on Monday, comple with a couple of hours of screaming and crying.  I thought we had that licked, but I was wrong.  I hate to see her in pain (emotional pain).  It breaks my heart.

My neice is getting married in November, in Canmore, and I just booked the hotel room for us.  Sadly I did not pay close attention and booked with an American company online, so the amount was in American dollars, not Canadian dollars.  Not only that, but I don't want to do business with an American company when I will be staying in an Alberta hotel.  The cancellation process was painful, involving a nice Philipino man and much bullshit, but I finally got it cancelled and booked a room with the actual hotel, in Canadian dollars.  Now I just feel like an old woman who can't manage to do things on the internet, even though I've always been like this, except now I'm old and worry I have dementia. Sigh.

I think I just need a good cry

Yesterday I talked to my brother for awhile on the phone.  He just retired last month and is having a hard time adjusting to so much free time.  We had a lovely talk.  Apparently the sister I don't talk to, asked my brother why I hate her.  I told him that I don't hate her at all, I just don't want her bible judgements in my life.  She's been rude to me since I got pregnant with me son, almost 42 years ago.  I'm noticing that when people think I'm angry, it's more often that they're angry.  Funny how that works.  

At least the sun is shining today and it's supposed to get up to 7C.  I may get out in the back yard and do some poop scooping.  Don't be jealous, I know I lead a glamorous life.  

Don't mess with a cobra chicken:)

The week in photos.  Jack and Heidi in the snow.  Heidi is looking for mice under the snow.  The temp has gone from -32C to 10C in just a few days.  It's wonderful to be outside again, without risk of frostbite:)

Jack had to climb up this pile of snow and wanted his photo taken.

The snow is melting fast.  

 

Katie had a tough morning.  I didn't take her out last Sunday because I was sick.  I think she was feeling anxious this morning, unsure if I would show up or not.  When she's upset, she takes it out on her face.  She looks like she got into a hockey game.  She's okay and not in pain.  We had a good visit.

I went to a protest yesterday, a protest against our corrupt Premier.  I'm glad I went.

AI is good for somethings:)

 

It's supposed to be the last cold day today, of three very cold weeks.  Jack is finally better, only his cough remains.  Hubby is back to work and I feel normal again.  It was a horrible long weekend, topped off by projectile vomiting (by Jack) down the stairs, to spread the vomit even further, in the middle of the night.  Poor guy.  On the upside, the dogs did an amazing job of cleaning up the vomit and I had wanted to clean the carpet on the stairs, but I just hadn't gotten around to it.  They're super clean now, thanks to my handy little carpet cleaner.  Today I may clean the furniture in the TV room.

I try not to read or listen to the news but it creeps in.  trump and putin are now negotiating the end of a war that putin started (without provocation) and are not including Ukraine (the country most affected by the negotitations, that was invaded by Russia) in the negotiations.  WTF!  And trump wants 50% cut of Ukraine's rare earth minerals in return for negotitating a peace plan, among other things.  trump always amazes me.  When you think he can't get any lower, he proves us all wrong.  It's not only sickening, but it's extremely scary.  When will trump decide he wants stuff in Canada?  And who will he ally himself with when he decides to take what he wants from Canada?  

I try not to worry about it, try to think about it, but it sits there in the back of my brain.  The future no longer seems like a good place, no longer seems like a place of hope.  

I need to channel my inner dog.

Poor Jack has been sick since Wednesday when he got home from daycare.  He was kind enough to share his germs with us, he's so good that way.  On Thursday his fever kept spiking and he was feeling short of breath.  He sounded wheezy, so I gave him some ventolin but I don't know if it did anything.  The doc is trying to figure out if he has asthma, hence the ventolin.  What worries me is that his respirations go up to 60/min when he's sick, but he recovers.  I'm not willing to spend five hours in ER with a sick kid, unless tylenol doesn't help (and it did).  I'll give the doc a call next week and talk to her about it.  He is better now, but still tired, low grade fever, and diarrhea (oh joy).

I'm fine, just grumpy and snotty.  My husband will end up quite sick with sinusitis, but that's par for the course.

Otherwise nothing going on.  I hate being sick, stuck at home with no energy.  On the upside, I don't have a fever.  I also did some reading online.  Apparently children tend to spike fevers more quickly because their immune systems are still new and they overreact to all viruses and bacteria.  As we get older, our bodies have a more modulated response.  It does scare me though when his temp goes way up.  I'm so thankful for tylenol.  I'm remember when I was a kid, pretylenol, cool baths and cool clothes to the forehead and chest.  

Because nobody was feeling good yesterday, I sat and read a book "Bloomsbury Girls" by Natalie Jenner.  It was about three women in post war London, working in a bookstore, but it was also about women finding their voices.  It was a very good book.

I can't remember who I stole this from, but I love it.