I'm feeling meh today.  The sun is shining, that's not the problem.  I'm retired, work's not the problem.  Everyone is healthy, that's not the problem.  I even made something I really like in my pottery class.  I made a pitcher from watching a youtube video, so that's not the problem.

I huge part of the problem is the news, India and Pakistan, Ukraine and Russia, civil war in Sudan, Israel and Gaza/Lebannon/Yemen.  There are two children missing in Nova Scotia, a six year old and a four year old.  They wandered away from their home and live in a heavily forested area;  they still haven't been found and it's been six days.  I can't imagine how they can still be alive.  

Yesterday Gracie's apartment building had a massive fire.  Everyone got out and only one person ended up in hospital, but it's bad.  Gracie's cat is missing and she doesn't know if any of her stuff survived.  The building is L shaped and Gracie's apartment was quite far from where the fire started, but as you can see, this part of the building was damaged too.  This will be bad for Gracie's mental health and by extension, bad for Jack.  His room, and his stuff in his bedroom in her apartment, is probably all gone too.  I haven't told him yet.

There is so much suffering and pain in the world and it hurts me, sitting here safely in my home.  What do I have to complain about?

I feel like having a good cry and I probably will.  Then I'll go work in the garden and walk the dogs and enjoy the sunshine because it's supposed to rain tomorrow.  I hope the dirt and the sun and the birds will perform their magic and bring me some peace again.

My girlfriend and I went to a greenhouse yesterday and we had so much fun.  We hadn't seen each other in person since last fall I think.  We've known each other for thirty-three years and even if we haven't seen each other in awhile, we just start up the conversation where it was left off.  Her husband died three years ago and that woman is happy as a clam to be living alone.  We walked into the greenhouse laughing and giggling like two school girls and spent three hours there, looking at every single plant.  We stopped for a quick lunch and then went right back at it.  It was good for my soul.  We even talked about going out to Vancouver this summer to visit our respective children.  We'll see.

It's been a busy week, pottery twice, yard work, another retaining wall built.  I'm getting good at building them and operating the power tools required to build them.  I have a fondness for power tools.  I'm not the strongest woman physically, so power tools are wonderful and make the work much easier.

Jack is doing well thankfully.  He's outside everyday and so much happier.  No video games or computer time and what a difference, (even though it's only half an hour a day).  He woke up this morning because "My eyes are hot!".  I had no idea what to do about that.  I did manage to get him back into bed, but it didn't take, and he was up about 5:30am.  He was also irritated with me because I couldn't offer any remedies for the "hot eyes".  For the most part though, happy, eating well, no sass, no tantrums.  He started swimming lessons again this week, but they're after supper and he did well.  He was concerned because I brought pyjamas for him to get into after the lessons were over.  What would the other kids think?  I assured him that other kids would be wearing their pyjamas and sure enough, one of the girls from his daycare is also in lessons, and was also wearing her jammies home.

Summer, or I guess still spring, just feels so easy.  No ice or snow.  It's light out after supper.  We sit on the deck and Jack plays in the back yard.  The windows are open and I can hear the birds outside.  The days are long and full of light.  It's the six months of light surrounding the summer solstice.  

Today I have an exciting day planned.  Wash the dog blankets, vacuum and wash the floors, walk the dogs, and work in the garden.  Even though I'm not a fan of housework, I do like a clean house, so needs must.

The weather has been warm and sunny, except for today which is cold and rainy.  Jack and I took Heidi for a walk at the dog park on Friday.  Like most boys it seems, Jack found a stick, and had to throw it, or whack it against a tree.  It was hot enough that he had to take off his shirt and wanted me to carry it.  I told him that he could figure out how to carry his shirt, and he did.

We spent a lot of time outside on Friday, he was playing in the back yard, moving wood (for his treehouse) and just generally enjoying being outside.  By bath time he was exhausted and grumpy (6pm, not late).  He got in the tub, I washed him quickly and pulled the plug.  He wanted the plug back because he wanted a longer bath.  I said, you're tired.  How about you get out and get ready for bed.  NO!  So I gave him back the plug and told him he could decide.  He sat there with the plug in his hand, crying, I can't decide.  He got out of the tub after that, dried off, pyjamas on, and into bed pretty quickly.  Like most people, myself included, he has a hard time dealing with life when he's tired.  I'm trying to teach him how to notice when he's tired, or hungry, or overstimulated, and how that makes him feel.  Trying to teach myself that too:)

 

This is the back northeast corner of our garden.  The previous owner built up some planting beds against the fence, but didn't protect the fence.  Over the years the fence has rotted.  There was probably about two feet of dirt piled up against the fence.  This is the same corner where we removed most of the chokecherry tree, infected with black knot fungus.  I dug down two feet and then built a retaining wall on our side of the fence.  When it comes time to replace the fence, the retaining wall will protect the new fence from the dirt.

The retaining wall is a foot high, built of pressure treated wood, to resist rot.  Holding the wood together are eight inch nails which look really cool and take awhile to pound in.  A very satisfying project and now I get to do it two more times, because the fence is rotting in the other corner and along one of side fences which Charlie would throw himself against when we first got him. 

It's quiet in the house this morning, Jack is at his mother's.  I miss him when he's gone but it's a lovely little respite too.  Like so many things, it is bittersweet.  I get to recharge my batteries, but Jack gets dysregulated. Sigh.  And like so much of life, there are no easy answers.  

Jack sees the pediatrician this coming Friday and I will ask about putting him on medication for his ADHD.  He's very distruptive at school and basically pisses off most of his classmates.  He doesn't know how to make friends because his social skills are lagging, and this hurts his feelings, which means he acts out even more.  A vicious circle.  Slowing him down and helping his focus might help.  I know the medication helped his father at school.

And me, I'm happy I can get back out into my garden.  The grass is greening up, the trees are ready to bud out, and my zinnias are doing well on my kitchen counter.  One of the zinnias is blooming already.

I realized last night that I don't miss work anymore, and I'm thankful for that.  I'm settling into retirement and enjoying it.  Of course, spring and summer just make life easier for everything, but I am thankful I have time now to get at big jobs in my garden, like the retaining wall.  I also enlarged one of my borders which I've wanted to do for a while.  I have some shrubs that need digging up, which always makes me sad, but they should never have been planted where they were.  

My husband is off for ten days and he's more relaxed now too which is good to see.  He can nap when he needs it and he's planning on replacing our old shed, and building a treehouse for Jack (a very simple treehouse, more of a platform I'm guessing).  Jack's terribly excited about it.

What Jack expects.

Versus reality.

Regardless, it will be cool.

We visited Jasper last weekend.  We hadn't been there in over a year because last summer, when we were supposed to visit, a fire tore through the area, leaving destruction in it's wake.  Our friend there, lost his house and he gave us two areas to visit that would "blow our minds".  One of those areas was Highway 93A which runs parallel to the Icefield Parkway.  The scene above was taken on that road.  Our minds were blown.

The scene below was alongside the road up to Maligne Canyon.  We stopped at the lookout just before Maligne Canyon and if the stone wall hadn't been there, neither of us would have recognized the place.  It was shocking and awful, but already Mother Nature is healing.  Grass is growing and there are more deer than I have ever seen there, probably because there is no place to hide now.

The fire was fearsome and blasted the burnt bark right off of the trees in some areas, in other areas, the trees were laid out like matchsticks on the ground.  More than one fire tornado ripped through the area, leaving behind trees bent over like old men.  Massive boulders had been split by the heat of the fire.  It looked like a war zone.  
 

The town was spared for the most part, although some people lost their houses and a few businesses were destroyed.  We tried to find the lot where our friend's house used to sit but without landmarks, we had no idea.  Despite the destruction, spring is coming to the mountains.  The area north of town, Pyramid Lake and Pyramid Mountain were untouched by the fire.  You can see Pyramid Moutain in the background of the photo above.

I finally finished our taxes and I owed money this year.  Not really a surprise with working and receiving money from my RRSPs and pensions, but I didn't know how to send the government the money I owed them because that has never happened to me in my life.  Finally sorted it out.

Yesterday I transplanted two spruce seedlings into the ground beyond our fence.  There is a walkway back there and the county cut down five trees a few years ago and never replaced them. To be fair, the trees were dying. I made an executive decision last summer to go ahead and plant some spruce there, dug up from other wild places along the walkways.  I'm still waiting to see if any of the acorns I planted survived the winter (also in the wild space behind our house).  Fingers crossed.

Work continues on the retaining wall next to the fence.  I've learned that I would never want to bury a body.  It's a lot of work to dig up that much dirt.  I am hopeful that the retaining wall gives us another year with the fence.

Life goes on.  I'm not diabetic yet, prediabetes still, but my blood pressure is rising.  I have mild arthritis in my sternoclavicular joint.  The diseases of age, I just didn't realize I was that old though:)

We went on a short trip to Jasper this weekend.  Pyramid Lake and Pyramid mountain.

 

 

Also Pyramid Lake.

Medicine Lake.

 Athabasca River.

Some of the devastation from last summer's wildfire

 

  

I really don't think I have a difficult life. Some of us have crippling anxiety, some of us have autoimmune diseases, some of us have the diseases of age, some of us have broken families, some of us have cancer, some of us have lost their partners to disease or suicide or divorce, some of us have to deal with traumatic brain injuries, some of us are living in a war zone, some of us were abused by parents or spouses, some of us deal with discrimination, and some of us deal with addictions.  My point is, we all have difficult things in our lives and those difficult things are unique to our life.  I also think that difficult things is how we grow and learn, not just about ourselves, but about the world and life in general.

I don't write about things for sympathy, although it's nice, I write about things to get them out of my head, because if they stay inside my head, they swirl around and turn into shitty thoughts, which in turn become depressed thoughts.  It's how I deal with things.  I have good days and bad days.  I have good moments and bad moments.  Often times I can so easily forgot the good days and the good moments, and just ruminate, but that's not just me either.  It's part of being a human being.  Our brains are designed to pay attention to the dangerous times, because that's how our ancestors survived for 300,000 years.  The ones that didn't pay attention to the dangerous, scary stuff, died before they could leave behind progeny.  Nervous people survived:)

I've been going through old photos because I found a bunch of them in the basement and it was a good reminder of all the good times in my life, things I'm so thankful for.  Life is never perfect, never without difficulty and never without pain, but it can also be wonderful at times.

1985

1999

1998

1998ish

1998

1999

I've been banned from instagram (for now), no reason, no explanation.  My crime if I were to guess, disagreeing with politicians and people who accept lies as facts.  Because I'm such a people pleaser, I feel down, like I've done something wrong, not something right.  I have been silenced which does not feel good at all.

On the upside, it's Jack's birthday today and National Unicorn Day.  On the way to daycare, we stopped and bought a box of fifty Timbits for Jack's daycare.  He was pretty pumped about that and excited to share with everyone.  This morning hubby and I sang him Happy Birthday while he sat with a big smile on his face.  For his birthday present, we bought him a new bike.  Now he has to learn to ride without training wheels:)

Yesterday went well at court, and unless things change drastically, we won't have to go back.  The case was adjourned sine die which means it could be opened in the future, if things changed, but for now, things stay as they are.  We had a long talk with Gracie and her sister afterwards and that went well also, so a win for everyone which is very good.  We talked about TV, bedtimes, school, ADHD, exercise, expectations, and going forward.  You never know what the future will hold because if someone had told me about this conversation three years ago, I wouldn't have believed them.

I also had an appointment with Katie's psychiatrist.  Katie's behavior has not improved, ten incidents in the last month and I'm out of ideas.  The psychiatrist started her on clonidine and I guess we'll see if that helps.  It hurts my heart to see her hurting herself, and having meltdowns.  Maybe this will help.  I also requested an OT consult to check her sensory processing.  A long time ago, Katie had a weighted vest which helped her at school, it gave her more sensory feedback.  I just ordered her a weighted blanket and maybe that might help too.  Sometimes it feels like I've been looking for solutions for her my whole life.  I just want her to feel good and have some peace.

The sun is shining though and it's supposed to go up to 15C today which is lovely and which means I want to be outside.  The garden is still mushy and muddy, but I'll find something to do out there.  I saw tiny crocuses pushing their way up through the dead leaves in the garden.  Plants amaze me.  They don't worry about the weather, or their children, they just do their thing.  Sometimes I wish I could be a tree.