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I shut comments off yesterday because I just needed to get that shit out of my head. I felt stupid and naive, but none of these drugs were a thing when I was young. My friend has far more experience than she ever wanted with drugs, thanks to her son, and she's always so kind and compassionate. She told me a lot about crystal meth, how it's ingested (now I know what that pipe was for in Gracie's house), and what the side effects are. I also did some reading about meth which helped my understanding as well.
All that I can do, I have done. There is nothing else for me to do, so I need to just leave it be. What will happen, will happen. This thought works for a little while, until I find myself spiralling down again into my neverending worry pit. But I'm trying. The past week has left me feeling battered but yesterday helped.
I quilted for most of the day; it's almost as good as gardening because it allows my mind to relax. I picked out all the fabric on Monday with the help of a very nice woman at the quilt store. It took an hour and half but the time was well spent. The woman who helped me is also an artist and helped me find colours and fabrics that went well together, and also explained why they went together. It was a good learning experience and now I'm busy cutting all the fabric into six inch squares. I have eight metres of fabric so it takes time and focus.
I took Heidi for a long walk yesterday, both for my foot and for my mind. Walking also allows my mind to relax. We have hoar frost again and it was so beautiful. The small sparkles of light in the photo above are not natural, I accidentally left a filter on but I liked the look. I did my ten thousand steps and woke up with a sore foot, but that's a good thing. I need to know if I can walk all day before I commit to going back to work.
Life continues on despite everything. Two nights ago I snapped at Jack during supper, the whole day was a shit show really, and then I apologized. He was awful too because I was out of sorts and tense. Then we went upstairs for his bath and he wanted me to play cars with him while he was in the bath. When he plays cars, he wants them to talk to each other. It started out as a shooting game but then it became a farting game and our cars were farting at each other. We both had a lot of fun and after his bath he gave me a big hug and said, "I like when you silly Nana." I told him I liked being silly too.
Note to self, I need more silly.
I do love that meme. And you are completely right- you have done all you can do. Your power is not as strong as that of drugs when it comes to an addict. That is all there is to it. You are doing exactly what you should be doing- taking care of Jack. And you are doing it superbly. And yes, you have to take care of yourself or you will not be able to take care of that innocent child. Bless you, honey. I wish you peace.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I wish for peace too.
DeleteMy first husband was a meth addict. If it helps, he finally did get clean. We can't stop feeling what we feel, but finding ways to distract is something we can do. It doesn't work for someone like me to say don't be so hard on yourself. You are carrying a large burden and still taking care of the sweet little boy who needs you so much.
ReplyDeleteThat meme!
Meth is a horrible drug and I'm so glad you ex husband got clean. I tend to dwell on things that I have no control over, by which I mean I obssess about the future and the past to my own detriment. But I'm trying to let go. I may also be a control freak, maybe:) I hate chaos.
DeleteAll of us Control Freaks hate Chaos and try to instill Order in what we feel we can Control.
DeleteI vote for more silly! I love playing with my grandson for that same reason. You have excellent coping skills and know how to distract yourself--which is key. It's tiresome and depressing to have to constantly use those skills though. :(
ReplyDeleteI don't have excellent coping skills at all. I obssess, get depressed, cry and ruiminate but I am trying to let go. As I said to Sandra above, I am a control freak and you can't control the future which causes me stress. I cause my own stress.
DeleteI hadn't yet read yesterday's post as I'm still catching up, but again, I'm so sorry for what you're going through! But well done on having the authorities intervene for both Jack and Charlie!
ReplyDeleteCharlie's live is starting to remind me of Jack's life and I don't want that to happen again. It's becoming a pattern now.
DeleteMy mother was a broken woman and became an addict through pills first, the drink just came along over the years. I was well into my 30s before I started to understand that I cannot run from the facts, that it's beyond my control and - most importantly - that it is not my fault. Shame, fury, loss. Stays with you forever. Mothers are too close.
ReplyDeleteTake care, stay with the people who are good for you.
I used to feel very responsible for my son's many failing but I try not to anymore. Mothers are harder though, they're supposed to be there for us, but some moms can't be there, not even for themselves. The world is a hard place.
DeleteSilliness isn't a tap that can be turned on and off at will but I agree that being silly is good for us - rather like genuine fits of laughter. We need lightness in our lives - not eternal heaviness, seriousness and concern.
ReplyDeleteJack loves talking about poop and farts and I have a very immature sense of humour, so he and I get along well that way. And it's good for me to have fun instead of always being the responsible one; it's good for Jack to see Nana being silly instead of always the responsible one too.
ReplyDeleteSilly is great. Himself and I collapsed into childish giggles when playing scrabble and he put weewee down and then piss. Never grow up.
ReplyDeleteAs for your son and his situation, you have done all that you can and more than many would have done. Does Charlie have a safe family member?
I would play scrabble like that, although I would want to include all swear words as well.
DeleteCharlie's safe family member is me.
You may have written about this before, but do you ever participate in support groups for people whose family members struggle with addiction? Like Al Anon -- is there something similar for narcotics? It seems like sharing your experiences might help ease that tendency to spiral into the worry pit. You'll always worry, but maybe you'd find solidarity with others knowing those feelings are common. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteSilliness also helps. :)
37paddington:
ReplyDeleteMore silly for sure. Distraction too. You are going through trauma right now. Be gentle with yourself. Keep holding that precious little boy close.
Hugs to you, Pixie.
ReplyDeleteAwww, Jack... yes, we ALL NEED more Silly, don't we? Children remind us of those Simple Pleasures they do so effortlessly, like being Silly, Skipping, being in Awe of the Simple Things around us that we get so distracted about that we overlook them daily. As for Meth, well, The Daughter gave me decades of experience with what it does and her being Clean of it now, FINALLY, is such a Relief. Most Addicts don't Survive the Dance with it she did. The same with Fentanyl and The Son, which he's been Clean of that even longer, Thank God coz that one is the Worst out there... for now. Every Year it seems a worse Drug hits the Streets and causes even more devastation. I don't think we take Addiction so seriously in this Country so as to offer enough to combat those who truly want to receive Help, they have to do it on their own, if they're even able. There also isn't much of a Support System for Families dealing with Addicted Loved Ones and Raising the Children of those Born into the whole mess. But, you know all of that and I understand the Trauma and Concerns you're burdened with right now. HUGE Hug, hang in there my Friend, snapping at trying to Raise another Generation is almost a Given, I do it less now than when they were higher maintenance and wore me out more. Jack will eventually Mature and realize the Sacrifices you've made on his behalf, for now, you're standing in the Gap for that Precious Little One and it's vital someone does.
ReplyDeleteI had to look up the difference between a meth pipe and an ordinary pipe. Learning something new every day! - Kate
ReplyDelete