I was feeling down and having a pity party a couple of nights ago at bedtime. I may have cried for a few minutes because my life sucks so bad. (It doesn't). I woke up feeling much better and trying once again to have a different perspective on my life.
When I went to high school there was a girl who went to the same school as me, I'll call her Sandra. She was everything I was not. She was pretty and popular and she had nice clothes. The bar is pretty low when you're fifteen years old. I wanted to be her friend I think, or maybe just be her. I really didn't know much about her.
When I went to my twentieth high school reunion, I saw her there, and she was kind to me, knowing I needed encouragement to get up and dance with everyone else. She was kind to me, such a small thing, and such a big thing that I still remember it almost thirty years later.
I've been winding through my brain lately, thinking about the past, writing things down, which led me to look for photos online of Red Deer in the 1970's. I found some.
Which led me to thinking about my life in general. When we're young, the future is boundless, and so are our dreams. As we get older, so many dreams wither away. I wanted to be a veterinarian, a park ranger, and a jockey. Then there was a photographer or a scientist. When I ended up as a nurse, I was so afraid to dream of anything other than being a regular floor nurse, so afraid of failing. But still a part of me dreamed of working in ICU, of learning so much more. I even interviewed for a job in ICU and failed the interview terribly. I had not prepared and really didn't know much about ICU nursing other than what I had seen in my brief forays into the ICU.
What I ended up doing was casual nursing on medical units which actually gave me a very broad education. I worked on cardiology, pulmonary, GI, general medicine, a step down unit from ICU, palliative care and hemodialysis, with brief stints in orthopedic surgery, maxillofacial surgery, urology, and day surgery. I ended up in diagnostic imaging where my broad education was actually a plus and I learned more.
From there I moved to oncologic imaging and worked at our local cancer clinic for fourteen years. I took an intensive oncology nursing course and continued to learn more about cancers on my own. I was a good nurse. I listened to my patients, I had excellent nursing skills and could read my patient's body language quite well. If I didn't know how to do something, I found someone who did know, and I learned.
It wasn't the nursing career I imagined but I like to believe I did make a positive impact in people's lives.
Which brings me back to the other night and Sandra. In my mind Sandra has had a perfect life. She has no disabled children, no ex-husband, no alcoholics in her life, no broken dreams. I looked her up on facebook and she looks happy with her husband, they're travelling a lot. In truth, nothing has changed. I still know nothing about her, other than that she was kind to me. I have no idea what her life has been like and I do know that most people (all people) have broken dreams, disappointments, and a great deal of grief to carry around with them.
She's like my dream children. When my children were born, they were perfect. Katie was the hardest dream child to lose because it happened so early and so quickly. My other dream children died much more slowly, but all of those deaths hurt just as deeply.
So the other night I cried because life is never what we think it will be, nor is it ever perfect, not for anyone, not even for Sandra who I'm sure is still kind.
Did you ever hear the saying, "Tears fall on a pretty face"? Meaning, as I interpret it, no one is immune to sadness or pain and sometimes being pretty brings it on.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I've heard the saying but I do know it's true. One of my friends growing up was beautiful and I thought she had it all. We lost touch and reconnected many years later, and life was not, nor had it ever been easy for her.
DeleteIn the photo, Red Deer looks rather like Paris with its fine architecture. As for that sense of having dreams along the way and not fulfilling them... it's something that I can very much relate to and I suppose that in all honesty, most other people feel the same way. Even when life comes up roses, we might still wonder: could there be something better than this?
ReplyDeleteThat photo is how I remember Red Deer. The population has increased by tenfold since my family moved there in 1970. It was a small town, with the downtown nestled in the valley of the Red Deer river and hills of trees all around it.
DeleteI'm sure all people feel this way but the other night it felt like I was the only one. I woke realizing that really the only thing that does endure is love and kindness.
In The River, Bruce Springsteen asks the question, "Is a dream a lie if it don't come true, or is it something worse?" He was so young when he wrote that and it would appear that ALL of his dreams and even dreams he didn't know he could dream came true but after reading his book, I know that he has suffered from depression his entire life.
ReplyDeleteWe are all broken toys, aren't we? Sometimes that just gets so tiresome and overwhelming. But some broken toys manage to do and achieve amazing things. You are a prime example. Most people couldn't do in five lifetimes what you've done.
I wish you could see that.
I think broken toys is a good way to describe us:)
DeleteDreams are big when we're young, dreams die, dreams change, and finally dreams become quite small as we age (for me anyway). Right now I'm dreaming about new windows and a new ensuite bathroom.
And thanks Mary. I am hard on myself, choosing to spend time on my regrets, rather than my successes. As John Grey would say, tits up:)
If you were a good nurse, it seems to me you have contributed a lot. Love and connection are more important to me than status and wealth. I think good nurses are severely undervalued. ❤️
ReplyDeleteI did not want to become a nurse because one of my sisters was a nurse, but it turned out I enjoyed it and I was good at it. I love learning and with nursing, the learning never ends.
DeleteYou have and still do have a huge positive impact on those around you--your family, your friends, your new Book Club, etc. Life never quite turns out how we expect and certainly not how we want. But we are survivors because we've had to be. We're strong because we haven't had the choice not to be. We both need to give ourselves credit. Also, a good cry is important from time to time. I've known several Sandras; their lives only seem perfect from the outside. No one's is.
ReplyDeleteSandra was a nice girl but I know her life was not perfect. Whose is? All of us suffer loss in it's many different forms.
DeleteWe are survivors. I told my husband last night how much I appreciate the fact that he is raising my grandson with me. The two are not related by blood, but they are definitely family. He is a huge support to both me and to Jack.
I find it so annoying when someone is really attractive, but are as well, entertaining and really nice kind people too. Life seems so unkind because I'm none of those 🙄
ReplyDeleteI think all of your readers understand the hard road you travel.
Neither am I Andrew:)
DeleteI'm glad my namesake was kind to you. Nothing has been at all perfect for this Sandra. Some on me, some on others and some just life.
ReplyDeleteShe was nice and if I hadn't been such a chicken I might even have talked to her more often in high school.
DeleteOne of my last bosses when I worked in HR seemed to have it all. She was very pretty, sporty, spoke several languages, was good at her job and (sod it) was a nice person (I'm just joking about the sod it part). But, we were walking behind her one day when my friend said "oh thank God, she's got bandy legs" (all that sport)! I burst out laughing. On a serious note, my sister once said to me "you could have had it all" and I knew what she meant. I found school easy, was fairly sporty and knew I wanted to leave England to work abroad. I got that job, had a great life - and then I married a violent drunk, something I regretted for 26 years until I divorced him. I was very bitter for a long time, but I'm over that now. I might not have the life I could have had but I'm happy with the one I do have. And I hope Sandra did indeed get a good life. As a kind person I wish that for her!
ReplyDeleteWe never know what another's life is truly like. My girlfriend that I went to Vancouver with last summer, when I first knew her, I thought she had it all. She didn't and we spent even more time talking last summer, our lives are not that different. I'm glad you're happy with the life you have now:)
DeleteIt's funny how we as teenagers idolize people without knowing much about them. I can think of people I admired in high school and now I wonder why on earth I chose them. So much of it is based on appearance or fashion or "coolness," and not on what kind of person they may be deep down (though it sounds like Sandra was at least kind).
ReplyDelete